Unexpected Happenings
by fromfirsttolastxx
Summary: Ch. 8 up! James goes through alot in the summer. He deals with it on his own but what will he do when his secrets are revealed. Give in to help or fight it on his own like the past years by himself. Sounds corny but read it u just may like it.angstromance
1. chapter 1

Hey I've decided to re-write this story a bit. It's the same story and all just has a little more added to bits and pieces, and it sounds much better thanks to my wonderful beta reader LilyZWnam77. The first three chapters are fixed up now so I hope you read them over but it doesn't matter since its basically the same thing. Chapter 2 and 3 should be reposted soon and chapter 4 and 5 are almost done yay!

Thanks again to all of you who reviewed Unexpected Happenings the first time and I hope you continue reading since there is much more to come.

SiriusAllPunked

Mythology

bubblihead

StormAngel13

lilyZWnam77

wasted embers

Lyss

Disclaimer: None of the characters you recognize are mine simple as that.

Summary: James is dealing with a lot in his life at the moment. Who will help him get through it or will he let them? Just a bit on the sad angsty side but you who doesn't love that, romance to come. Violence in this chapter and maybe more in the next few.

Now on with the story!

Chapter 1- Whoa- Who would have thought-  
  
Madison Potter sat on her best friend Lily Evans bed uninterestingly flipping through an old issue of Witch Weekly. Lily sat at her desk goingover all her potions notes. Both girls would be catching the HogwartsExpress tomorrow to return for their 6th year at Hogwarts School of  
Witchcraft and Wizardry. Madison Potter had long raven black hair thatreached her mid-back. She stood at about 5'5 with piercing clear hazeleyes. Lily had long slightly wavy dark red hair that also reached her mid-back, and stood at about 5'3 with sparkling emerald eyes. They were obviously attractive, but they never used their looks for an advantage over guys. Madison had many guys after her, along with Lily, who was constantly obsessed over James Potter. She had the hugest crush over Madison's twin brother, James, but never acted upon it. However, Lily was completely oblivious to the fact that he was in love with her as well, and had been since about 4th year.  
  
"Well I guess I have to go home and pack my stuff for tomorrow." Madison said while hugging her friend goodbye.  
  
"See you tomorrow Maddie." Lily replied to her as Maddie walked in the fireto floo up to her house.

James Potter was lying on his sore back staring at the ceiling from a spot on his bed.  
  
"James!" His father bellowed. _Great, just what I need. Maybe he won't notice if I don't come_ _down. Yeah right! Of course he will notice. Even if he is drunk. That means it will be  
harder tonight..._ James thought as he descended the stairs into the back room, where his father was standing, looking ready to kill. James could tell that he had been drinking again tonight, as usual.  
  
"What the hell took you so long, can't you get your lazy arse out of bed?" he said, then hit him hard across the mouth.  
  
James cringed from the impact, but he wouldn't show that he really hurt him.  
  
_no... Can't do that.._ James said.  
  
His father hit him again, this time across the other cheek.  
  
James just stood his ground.  
  
Thomas stared his son up and down, looking at him in disgust.  
  
"You're useless, you know that?" he barked at James as he continued his onslaught of punching. He then pushed him into a large antique vase filled with flowers in the corner, which created quite a large crash. James felt several shards dig into his back, but he would not show  
his father that it really did hurt. James would never show weakness towards him, even with blood slowly running down his back.  
  
Madison walked into her living room  
  
Crash!  
  
She jumped at the noise and quietly walked into the doorway of their back room. She stopped dead in her tracks. Ahead of her was her father in the middle of the room, staring down at James, who was picking himself off the floor, a broken vase in pieces next to him. She could see blood on the floor.  
  
"Get up!" Thomas yelled at James.  
  
James, unable to contain his emotions any longer yelled back at him "What do you think I'm doing?!" _Shit!_ He was kicked in the stomach and he fell back to the ground, landing hard on the glass. He lay there, clutching his already very bruised and cut stomach.  
  
"Never speak to me like that again!" Thomas yelled as he pulled James by his long sleeve black shirt, pulling the front up in the process, revealing many bruises that Madison could make out from across the room.  
  
"I seriously thought you would have learnt how to bite your tongue by now." Thomas snapped. James was thrown against the wall with such an incredible force that even surprised him. Madison, unable to do anything, stared at the scene in shock.  
  
James stood up cautiously, bracing himself for another blow.  
  
"I want to tell you something James. You know that you and your bitch of a sister were not supposed to be born? You're both a mistake, you're a mistake, James!" he now yelled in drunken rage at his son.  
  
"Don't call her that!" James yelled back  
  
"What, a bitch, James? Well that's what she is! Do you see her around? No? Why not? Because she could care less about you!" He yelled as he backhanded James across his right cheek, cutting his lip.  
  
"How many times do I have to tell you before you get it through your head?  
  
Nobody cares about you, and nobody ever will." Thomas said icily.  
  
"I know." James said as he looked to the ground, admitting defeat.  
  
"Where are your friends now? I don't see them anywhere to help you!" Thomas said spitefully.  
  
"Probably because you forbid them to come!" James yelled as he was backhanded again, this time falling to the ground from the force, clutching his face.  
  
"Stop!" Madison yelled, as she came out from her hiding spot.  
  
"Leave him alone!"  
  
Thomas stopped kicking James, who was lying on the ground, to look towards the doorway to  
see his daughter standing there, horror written on her face.  
  
He now turned to her. "This is none of your business Madison. But I'm so glad to see you finally have decided to come home for a change." He now walked towards her.  
  
"You wont speak of what you just saw, or else you will get worse than him, and don't even try to help your brother out. He already knows what he's worth and the consequences that he will receive." With that he slapped her hard and walked out of the room, probably to go find his wife, at some bar.  
  
Madison clutched her now red cheek and ran over to James who was sitting up on the floor, back against the wall, staring at the broken glass shards in front of him. _If I could just grab one of those, it could be all over._ he thought bitterly to himself.  
  
"James..." Madison tried lightly.  
  
_Its right there! Just reach, go a little farther this time... He's right... no one will care, and it won't even hurt anymore. It could be all over with... never have to see him again ever_.  
  
"James!" she tried again. James noticed she was there and quickly made sure everything was covered from sight.  
  
"Leave me alone, Madison." James whispered.  
  
"James you're bleeding. Let me help you." He touched the blood from his lip.  
  
"I don't need help! I'm fine. It doesn't even hurt." He said, though she could tell his voice was wavering.  
  
"I'm sorry I didn't come earlier. I didn't know what was happening! You should have told me. I  
know that we never have been really close, but lets change that right now. Please let me help you." Her eyes were pleading with him. James didn't respond.  
  
"We can get Madame Pomfrey to help you, and only the three of us have to know." Maddie tried.  
  
"No! You don't understand... I'm not afraid to show her the bruises and shit from dad...but she will ask too many questions about other things!" he yelled, then looked away from her, knowing that he had said to much.  
  
"What other things? What else does he do to you?" she asked. There was an awkward pause.  
  
"Its not just what he does to me. It's what I do to myself..." he said just above a whisper.  
  
"You wouldn't understand." he quickly added.  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
James looked away, then slowly straightened his left arm out in front of her.  
  
Madison was at first confused and looked up at him. He had his head turned away. So she slowly lifted up his black sleeve to his elbow. Down his whole arm were cuts. The big and small cuts engraved his toned arm, and there were slashes along his wrist.  
  
"James..." Madison didn't know what else to say.  
  
He pulled back his arm and covered it up. 

"I shouldn't have showed you." He said looking at her, then stood up.  
  
"Why not?" "What would you care if I died anyways. Leave me the hell alone."He said before quickly getting up.  
  
"Forget what happened. I'm going to bed, just please promise you won't say anything to anyone."  
  
"James, wait."  
  
"Leave me alone."  
  
"Let me help you, please." she said, following his limping form up the stairs and into his room, where he cautiously sat down onto his bed. She sat down next to him. He turned to her, and pulled back her hair to see the bruise that was starting to form across her left temple.  
  
"I'm sorry." He said, looking at it."You don't have to be sorry for anything. This is not your fault."  
  
"Yes it is, haven't you been listening to him? It's all my fault my whole life is just a big mistake. I shouldn't be here." He continued to ramble on looking, around his room for something. Madison watched him intently. Finally he opened his drawer and pulled out a razor, and sat on the floor of his bedroom. Slowly, he lifted up his sleeve again revealing his cuts. Madison caught on to what was happening.  
  
"James!"  
  
His hand started to shake more as the razor got closer to his arm. She immediately rushed towards him.  
  
"Put it down James, please put it down!"  
  
He stood up so that there was a bed between them. "Get away from me Madison."  
  
She started to cry, as he slowly pressed the razor into him. She jumped onto the bed and over to him, as he began to quickly slash across wounds on his wrist. She grabbed his hand to stop him while blood that was dripping everywhere. They both sat on the floor, and she tried to take the razor out of his hand, which was incased in a death grip around it. She fought with him for it. He started to breathe heavily again, "Madison please, I don't want to be here, please go!"  
  
"No!" she said finally opening his fingers to retrieve the razor, which had blood all over it. She threw it to the other side of the room, and grabbed his bleeding arm. Then, she picked up one of his shirts that was lying on the bed, and started to apply pressure to both bleeding wounds. He just sat there staring at his arm.  
  
"Maddie." he said using the nickname he had given to her when she was young.  
  
"I need help." He whispered. "I have a problem, I can't stop it" he choked out.  
  
"I want to help you James, you just have to let me." She said softly.  
  
"I'm going to fix up your hand and your wrist. You try to sleep, okay?"  
  
"I cant." He mumbled  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Umm...I...well, you see, I think I have kind of acquired a case of insomnia, and I can't sleep."  
  
"James, lie down and I'll fix you up a bit." James lay down on the bed with Madison beside him tending to his wounds. They didn't talk, they just sat there. Finally he closed his eyes. Madison than finished what she was doing and had all the blood taken care of, before she lay down next to him, and slowly fell asleep. James opened his eyes. There was no way he was falling asleep tonight, so he listened to the even breathing of his sister next to him. His back hurt too much for him to move. So he lay there not really thinking, until his alarm went off at half past nine. Madison slowly woke up and sat up, taking in her surroundings. James slowly sat up as well, although his back hurt like hell and he still hadn't had a chance to clean that up.He knew the vase from last night had really dug into him.   
  
They both got ready not really talking; Madison had taken it that James was a little too sore to utter words, since he kept touching his jaw line.Finally, both were ready to go. Madison was wearing jeans and a white t- shirt, while James wore black slacks, a black long sleeved shirt with holes cut in to hold his thumb so it wouldn't slide up, revealing his life underneath the clothes. Madison noticed that although he hid everything very well, he couldn't hide the bruises that were formed or now forming on his cheeks  
  
"Do your friends know anything about this?" she voiced the question that had been on her mind all morning and last night. He didn't answer.  
  
"James?"  
  
"No! They're not going to know, its not their business and its not yours either! So stay the hell out of it!"  
  
"James they're your friends! They deserve to know, they can help you! Isn't that what you want? You said you needed help. Well, they are the ones who you will find it from."  
  
"Madison, I was wrong. I don't need help, especially from you. I am dealing with everything just fine." James said while walking into the flow and away from his sister She followed.  
  
"James! Don't walk away from me! You are not dealing with this just fine!"  
  
"Yes I am. You wouldn't understand. It works for me."  
  
"Well cutting yourself is not a positive way to deal with problems. You need to talk to someone, if not than me, then Remus and Sirius." She whispered so that students passing by wouldn't hear them. James was about to retort when Madison's best friend, and James's crush, Lily, walked up behind Madison enveloping her in a huge hug.  
  
"Lily!" Madison exclaimed happily.  
  
"Hi, James." Lily said giving him a small smile, and looking into his hard stormy steel blue eyes, which he quickly diverted from her emerald ones. He hated his eyes. They gave away too much of what he was thinking.  
  
"Hey Lily." He replied, butterflies filling his stomach. He had to get away from them.  
  
"Jamsie!" He heard from behind him.  
  
"Hello James. How come you never could come over when we asked?" Remus greeted and asked as he came from behind Sirius.  
  
"We missed you so much!" Sirius shrieked patting him on the back. James openly winced.  
  
"What's wrong?" Remus asked, concerned.  
  
"Oh...umm... nothing. Just a little sore, you know." He covered up with a fake smile.  
  
"From what?" Sirius asked curious. "Quidditch." Was James short reply. They all looked unsure if to believe this information or not, except for Madison who wasn't looking at anyone.  
  
"What happened to your face?" Remus asked, which caused James to finally snap.  
  
"Nothing! All right?! What is with all the damn questions, its like I'm in an interrogation room or something. I'm going to find a compartment, join me later.  
  
I need a minute." James said and than walked off towards the train with his trunk.  
  
"What's crawled up his ass and died?" Sirius said, trying to lighten the mood.  
  
"Sirius? Lets just go and find James ok?" Really inside both guys were very concerned about their friend and weren't sure what was really wrong.  
  
"You ladies can come join us. I'm sure that there is tons of room for you." Sirius implied.  
  
"Yeah.. sure Sirius, I just want to speak to Madison for a moment." Lily answered for them. The guys walked towards the train and Lily turned towards her friend.  
  
"Madison what's wrong? You looked really upset when I was walking towards you and James."  
  
Madison looked towards Lily. That was when Lily got a glimpse of the purplish bruise forming across her left temple.  
  
"What happened?" Lily asked lightly touching the bruise.  
  
"Umm...well, I can't tell you, but I'm working on it, okay? And trust me, you will be the first to know." Madison said, not wanting to give any information away about what was happening at her home. Lily nodded, knowing that if she bugged her friend she would get nothing out of her.  
  
"Madison, I need to talk to you about something." Lily said shyly.  
  
"All right, go on." There was still 10 minutes before the train was set to leave.  
  
"Well, you see, I know you already know that I like James and all, but do you know if he might like me?" Lily questioned nervously. Madison looked at her friend. In truth, she had no idea if James actually had feelings anymore. Before, it was quite obvious that he liked her. But now, she had only last night witnessed him wanting to take his life.  
  
"You know, I really have no idea anymore." She answered Lily truthfully.  
  
"Oh, okay." Lily answered a little down. Madison noticed this.  
  
"What wouldn't he like about you though." Lily smiled hugging her friend  
  
"Lets go find their compartment then." Lily encouraged them, then they were off.  
  
James walked away from the group. He couldn't take it anymore! He had to get away from them. Anyway, they were all getting way to curious. It hadn't been this bad the past years since he had always managed to fix himself up a bit before he saw all his friends, but last night was different. He just wanted to be left alone. The truth was he also had to get away from Lily. He still really liked her and was dying to ask her out, but he couldn't. He didn't want to take the risk of her not wanting to go out with him, and then if he did ask her he would have to eventually tell her about everything. "I'm not ready for anything yet, I don't think I ever will be. Plus, what would she like in me anyways? Nothing!" he answered himself bitterly. He found the empty Marauders compartment and sat down, making sure to keep the more bruised side of his face towards the window.  
  
"Moony, I'm really worried about Prongs." Sirius said so seriously it scared him.  
  
"Me too, Padfoot. We really need to find out what's wrong with him, and I think Madison knows something. Where do you think he got those bruises on his face?"  
  
"I don't know." He answered, then they both entered the compartment where James sat.  
  
Both guys sat down Sirius across from James, Remus next to Sirius. It was quiet for a moment. Then the girls came in. Madison sat next to James and Lily sat next to Remus. It was silent again.  
  
"You know, you can talk, I don't mind. I'm just not in the mood." James said as he looked out the window. The rest of the group looked at each other for help. No one said anything again.  
  
"Well this is fun and all, but I'm going to go the bathroom." James told them getting up. He looked at Lily, than quickly shifted his gaze to the door where he walked out into the hall. Everyone looked around to each other waiting for someone to fill the awkward silence, but they were saved when the snack cart came around. Sirius bought tons of stuff, and shared with the group.  
  
"Anyone up for a game of exploding snap?" Madison asked.

Well that's it for chapter 1! Please review and keep reading.

Next chapters out soon

B


	2. chapter 2

Disclaimer: everything you recognize does not belong to me.

Hey thanks to all of you who have been still reviewing which is 2 lol but thats ok as long as you still review now. Any suggestions for things that you would like to happen in the story? I would love to hear any. Chapter 3 is almost out as well as chapter 4 which i am almost done writing I had exams so it put it off just a lil. Well on with chapter 2 enjoy

B

Chapter 2  
  
"Anyone up for a game of exploding snap?" Madison asked.  
  
"Umm...yeah ok." Sirius said urging the rest of them to play. No one wanted to think of what was wrong with James, except for Madison who was worried about what he might be doing. So the group played a few rounds of exploding snap and the guys explained new pranks that they were going to use, and ones they had to talk about with James.  
  
James walked out of the compartment and hastily made it to the washroom. No one was around so he shut the door and leaned against the wall taking a deep breath. He wasn't used to all this confrontation, and had no way to deal with it. So he went to the only thing he now knew how to do. He slipped his hand into his pocket until he felt the cool razor against his fingertips, and carefully brought it out. Pulling up his sleeve he slowly sliced his wrist going over the already made cuts. The blood started trickling down onto the tile. _Shit! I have to clean this up_. He took his wand out, now able to use magic and muttered a quick cleaning spell. The floor was spotless once again, but didn't remain that way for long as his wrist was still bleeding. James than sat still, leaning against the wall. He put the razor away, and just watched the blood trickle down his hand. The blood was stinging his open wounds, but that's what he wanted to feel. No one would understand this. He wanted to feel the pain that he could cause himself, it helped numb everything his father did and the way that he felt about himself.  
  
"Excuse me is someone in there?" he heard a small voice coming from out in the hall.  
  
James looked up to the door. "Uhh...yeah just a minute." He said as he jumped up and cleaned the floor once again, performed a spell on himself to stop the bleeding, then washed his hands quickly and looked at himself in the mirror. There was still ugly purple bruises now coming in clear once again, they never had any chance to heal at home. He performed another spell to cover them up, than opened the door once again making sure everything was in order.  
  
"About time!" The younger boy snapped. He looked to be a second or third year. Then he looked up to see who he was talking to and quickly apologized.  
  
"Sorry. I didn't know it was you."  
  
"It's alright, really doesn't matter." James muttered as he began walking down the hall, only to encounter a new person, but one he would rather not have met.  
  
"Potter."  
  
"Snape." James sneered back at him.  
  
"Glad to see you made it back alive. Thought you would have given up by now. Your own father doesn't want you, so why would you come back here." James stared at him, not showing any emotion what so ever.  
  
"Only come back to torment you I'm afraid." James coolly replied to him.  
  
"I'm honoured." Snape sarcastically replied to James's comment.  
  
"Good to hear, now get the hell out of my way, I have more important people to see than the likes of you."  
  
"They really want to see you? Now that's a joke, didn't your sister not come home all summer? Really want you... Oh yeah, totally believable." Snape said icily to James. James didn't reply. He only needed to hear so much before he actually believed what Snape said. Unfortunately for James he believed every word Snape said to him. It was all true and he hated to believe it but he did._ Why shouldn't I anyway? Its just like he said._ His mother was always stoned or drunk and never tried to help James at all but chose to ignore him every minute she could. His father did things to him that he would rather not think or talk about. His father had hurt him since he could remember, he obviously hated James and now James really didn't care. Then there was Madison. She really had never done anything wrong to him, but yet she still hurt him. James knew why she never stayed home during the holidays, she obviously knew the whole family was a bit whacked and she had immediately tried to separate herself from her parents, causing her to be apart from James. In a way you could say James resented her for being able to do that so fast when he was constantly the one who they beat upon for any of their misfortunes mostly including himself. _Stop thinking about this_! He urged himself towards the compartment and took a deep breath before entering. All the laughter and joking quickly stopped, as they all looked at James who was considerably pale.  
  
"Want to come in for a round, Prongs?" Sirius asked his friend.  
  
"Sure." James said taking his seat. Everyone began to play again, just like old times. James tried his best not to look towards Lily, as Lily did with him. Madison still looked at him nervously, not sure if he had hurt himself anymore or not, but he seemed happy so she would leave him alone for now. They continued to play exploding snap and joked around until they reached Hogwarts. Once there, they each climbed into a carriage that would bring them up to the castle. Lily ended up being seated next to James. She still hadn't said much to him yet, and wasn't planning on it. At the moment James seemed completely zoned out and into his own world.  
  
"We're here." Remus said, breaking his thoughts. The group then trudged into the Great Hall and took seats. Madison, Lily and Sirius on one side, James across from Lily, while Remus sat across from Sirius. They watched the sorting ceremony quietly, with the occasional comment from Sirius, making the group let out a small laugh.  
  
Dumbledore said his usual beginning of the year speech, and then the food appeared. That was when James problems began. First of all, in his mind he was not going to eat any of this crap. Well he knew that it wasn't crap but he still wouldn't eat it. All around him students were digging in and soon enough his friends and maybe even more people would notice him not eating. He sat there looking at his plate than slowly started to place small amounts of food onto his plate, and took a small bite of chicken and swallowed. He felt like he was going to be sick.  
  
"Are you okay?" Madison asked her brother.  
  
"Uhh..yeah just not hungry at the moment." He told them. They all looked at him shocked.  
  
"You're not hungry?" Sirius asked in awe.  
  
"No Padfoot I'm not."  
  
"What do you mean, you're not hungry?" He asked incredulously.  
  
"Tell the world, why don't you. I'm just not hungry."  
  
"James, you haven't eaten all day." Madison told him.  
  
"I'm just not hungry, okay!" He said, standing up from the table, and walking quickly out of the Great Hall, all eyes on him.  
  
"I guess he's not hungry." Remus said.  
  
"We know that Remus." Lily finally spoke after watching the scene unfold in front of her.  
  
"They finished eating than walked up to Gryffindor tower, only to find James sitting by the portrait.  
  
"Don't know the password." He told them, answering their unspoken questions.  
  
"Well it's Lions Den." Lily told them and the Fat lady opened the portrait letting them into the Gryffindor common room.  
  
Once inside the guys sat in their usual corner near one of the fireplaces, followed by the girls who sat with them. They chatted for a while before deciding to go to bed. James had seemed to been acting like his usual self and that eased Madison's mind, knowing that he was going to be okay.  
  
The three guys were changing for bed. James wasn't sure what to do, right now all his bruises and scars would be still clearly visible, and he wouldn't be able to hide them until he performed the spell. The spell he used was quite complicated and he didn't have time or energy to do it right now.  
  
Remus and Sirius were now in their boxers and sitting on their own beds talking about Quidditch and what positions would need to be filled this year. James got onto his bed still fully closed and shut the curtains. He than changed into black flannel lounge pants and another black long sleeved shirt, and opened the curtains to see his friends looking curiously at him.  
  
"A little shy all of a sudden are we?" Remus asked teasing. James rolled his eyes.  
  
"No, but I'm going to bed." He said as he lay down, and didn't bother with the curtains. Remus shut the light off, and than he lay down as well, followed by Sirius. It was quiet for what seemed like forever, but James did not sleep. He just laid there. After a bit he sat up and got up to go to the bathroom. In there he stared at himself in the mirror. "_You need help, just admit it."_ His conscience told him. "_No I don't, I'm perfectly fine_!" He retorted to himself. "_This is just great. I'm depressed and now I'm talking to myself, what more could go wrong in my life?" "You know talking to yourself is a found as a form of insanity?" "Shut up!_" He mentally yelled at himself. With that thought he walked back into his dorm and lay back down on his bed. He couldn't cut himself tonight; it still hurt from the train. Exhaustion was pulling at him, wanting him to sleep, but he couldn't sleep, he wouldn't let himself sleep. So he just lay there once again giving himself rest but not fulfilling it by closing his eyes. Unknown to him, Sirius was still up. Sirius pretended to be asleep when James had walked by his bed to the bathroom. He had strained his ears trying to listen to what James may be doing, but heard nothing. Than after his friend had laid back down he slowly fell into a restless sleep. James closed his eyes for more than a second and let himself fall asleep, too. What felt like a moment later, he sat straight up panting for breath.  
  
"You okay mate?" Remus asked, he was a very light sleeper and heard anything unusual.  
  
James was just staring at Remus, trying to remember where he was. The dream was so real, his arms were burning from pain. Thomas, his father, was yelling at him and grabbing his arm so tightly it was unreal. It was just like a normal night at his house during the summer. It didn't matter where he was, even far away from his father; he was still hurt by him. His breathing slowed once again.  
  
"You ok?" Remus asked once again unsurely. James lay back down not answering.  
  
Remus looked at his friend warily. He didn't know as to what was going on with James, but he was going to find out soon. He would leave James to his own thoughts for now. With that, he fell back asleep.  
  
RING!  
  
"Shut that damn thing off!" Sirius muttered angrily from underneath his bed sheets.  
  
"Get up, Padfoot, and stop complaining. We got classes in an hour, and I want breakfast" Remus put in moodily. Neither of them were morning people. At that moment James walked out of the bathroom dressed and ready to go. Both friends took in how tired he looked.  
  
"Tired, Prongs?" Sirius supplied.  
  
"Ah... no, not really."  
  
"I see." Remus said imitating a professor. They cracked up at his imitation of McGonagall.  
  
Lily and Madison were already sitting at Gryffindor table, munching on their breakfast. Lily looked up to see James sitting across from her once again.  
  
"Hey Madison, Lily." James said, then Sirius and Remus greeted them.  
  
"You seem happy this morning James." Madison pointed out.  
  
"Yes, Madison, why wouldn't I be happy?" James said pointedly, avoiding everyone's eyes while looking for something to put on his plate.  
  
"Well, you know, it's just..." Madison stopped at the look she was sent. This look, however, did not go unnoticed by the rest of the group.  
  
"Well, I'm going to go outside for a few minutes before class... See if conditions are good enough for practice later." James informed them as he got up from the table and then walked out the main doors.  
  
"He didn't eat anything." Lily put in. The rest looked at her. Madison looked as if she were going to cry.  
  
"Sirius, did he eat anything last night when you guys went up to the dorm?" Madison questioned urgently.  
  
"No." Sirius answered looking confused.  
  
"Well he hasn't eaten once since I was with him the night before school." Madison looked even more worried. Madison than started muttering to herself, not noticing the rest of them giving her odd looks.  
  
"What do you know about James?" Remus broke her muttering. Madison was brought out of her thoughts and looked at them.  
  
"I can't tell you, I wish I could, you really all deserve to know, but I...I just... I just can't." She finally let out dropping her head onto her plate. Sirius patted her back  
  
"Can you give us hints?" Sirius asked curiously, but he really wanted to know what was up with his friend.  
  
"No, but just observe the things he does, you just might figure it out or confront him."  
  
"If you haven't noticed we have been trying to get it out of him." Sirius said irritated.  
  
"Sirius, that attitude will get you no where." Madison informed him.  
  
"Stop acting like a Miss know-it-all." Sirius began to pretend to pout. With that, they went to their first class, which was divination. Surprisingly, everyone had taken it for another year. When they got there, James was already waiting there, sitting on one of the puffy cushions, scowling at everyone talking.  
  
"What the matter?" Lily asked. James looked up at her.  
  
"Nothing." He replied crossing his arms. He hated responding to her like this but he didn't want her to even get a clue that he liked her.  
  
She sat down next to him.  
  
Professor Trelawney walked in. It was her first year teaching at Hogwarts and she was, in the student minds, just a bit weird.  
  
"Well class, today we will be doing palmistry." She tried to say in a mystic voice, which didn't turn out for the best. James paled slightly. His right hand was still quite cut up from the other night. He had managed to hide it under his sleeve until now.  
  
"I'll pick your partners and we can begin to work." She began to partner up the Ravenclaws who also shared the class and then the Gryffindors.  
  
"Lets see, Lupin and Potter." Madison raised her hand. "Uhh... which Potter do you mean?"  
  
"Oh, lets see... you, dear." She said in a sugary sweet voice that sickened James. In his mind, no one could be that happy. Or for her case, fake.  
  
"Black and Harris." Sirius was paired up with the leftover Ravenclaw.  
  
"...and Potter and Evans." Lily smiled to herself inwardly. Last night she had stayed up thinking and came to the conclusion that if James wasn't going to make any sort of move on her, then she would have to take matters into her own hands and talk to him. And if she had enough guts, she would eventually tell him how she felt, whether he returned the feelings or not.  
  
They sat facing each other. James had absolutely no idea what he was going to do.  
  
"Do you want to go first James?" Lily asked politely.  
  
"Umm..." James hated any sort of confrontation; well, he was more afraid of it. He always ended up getting hurt, mostly physically. Although he knew Lily wouldn't hurt him, he just felt... _vulnerable?_ His father had really messed him up, and now he was scared of everyone in some way. _You're such a wuss._ He said to himself bitterly.  
  
"James?" Lily said. He was zoned out again.  
  
"Do you want to go first?"  
  
"I can't" He finally let out. Lily looked very confused. At that moment Professor Trelawney came up to them.  
  
"I don't see you working. Palms out, this is palmistry, you know." Lily looked to James who wasn't moving.  
  
"Mr. Potter, is there a problem?" Now the whole class was watching in hopes of one of the Marauders pranking the new teacher.  
  
"Mr. Potter?" She tried again. "Palms out now" she commanded. Madison looked worriedly to her brother, as she knew what he was hiding.  
  
"No." He answered quietly.  
  
"What do you mean, 'no'?" She questioned. James didn't answer her.  
  
"Mr. Potter I suggest you put your palms out now please, I will read them for you."  
  
"I would rather you wouldn't" He retorted  
  
"Put them out!" She went to snatch his hand, he dodged her, and Professor Trelawney almost fell over. The class snickered once again.  
  
"This is a part of the material. If you aren't willing to cooperate, than I will have to fail you." She said smugly.  
  
"I guess I fail than, this class is bullshit anyway. What am I going to learn? How I'm going to die? Already know that." He added in an undertone, that only his friends heard because they were so close. This worried them, especially Madison as he walked out of the class. The rest of the class was silent for a minute while Professor Trelawney was composing herself.  
  
James walked out of the classroom._ Didn't think I would ever be able to get out of that one_. He thought to himself. James decided that he needed rest no matter what kind of dreams he had, so he walked upstairs and collapsed onto his bed. He hadn't slept a whole night in a long time. He was exhausted, and soon sleep overtook him.  
  
Lily, Madison, Sirius and Remus sat at the Gryffindor table eating their lunch.  
  
"Where do you think James went?" Lily asked.  
  
"No idea." Remus put in. "He's been acting really weird again... and I'm guessing he missed this meal too."  
  
"He always does, mostly at the beginning of the year." Sirius said unsurely.  
  
"What do you mean?" Madison asked.  
  
"Well... like guys usually change in front of each-other, because it doesn't really matter to us." Sirius let out a chuckle. "But James, I don't know he always goes into the bathroom, or behind his curtains. It kind of worries me that he won't even change in front of us. It's like he is really prudish or something. And I'm sure that that's not the reason." Sirius finished.  
  
"Well last night he suddenly woke up, I was up too, hearing him. He looked as upset as if he had seen a ghost, but he wouldn't answer me, just lay back down as if nothing happened." Remus put in. Madison was kind of happy that the group was catching onto James so they could help her help him.  
  
"Lets go find him, see if he wants to go outside or something." Sirius said as the group made their way up to Gryffindor tower. He was nowhere to be found in the common room, so the guys followed by the girl walked up to their dorm. They walked in to find him lying on his bed asleep. Madison let out a sigh of relief. He was finally resting.  
  
"He's sleeping." Lily informed them.  
  
"We can see that." Remus replied dryly as Lily smacked his arm.  
  
"What's that?" Sirius questioned pointing to James back. His shirt was pulled up just a bit and some of his skin was showing. The part that was showing was a purplish bruise that had a cut through it. It looked like it was just starting to heal. James started to move in the process his shirt rode up a little more revealing bruises in a chain link pattern.  
  
"What the hell?" Sirius questioned to himself as he moved over to James.  
  
"Where are these from?" Asked Remus, pointing to the bruises that everyone was staring at.  
  
James was having that same dream again. His father was coming towards him. James moved out of his way, but his father was quick and grabbed his right arm, squeezing it tightly, as he smacked him with his other hand. His cheek was burning once again like so many times before. "You're worthless, no one wants you!" His voice echoed in his mind etching those words inside of him. His arm was being crushed under his fathers grip. "Stop!" It came out as a murmur to his friends. Sirius heard and gently touched his shoulder trying to stir him from his sleep. At the same point, his father threw him into the wall, his shoulder hitting first. James winced under Sirius's touch. Sirius felt James tense underneath his hand.  
  
"James, wake up." He tried lightly. By now the group was all around him, watching his face contort in pain. His eyes snapped open, his breathing raspy. James lay there, where everyone was looking at him. He sat up to find Sirius sitting next to him and Remus, Madison, and Lily around him, staring at him.  
  
"You okay?" Madison asked.  
  
"I'm...I don't know anymore." He told them as he stared at nothing once again. The rest shared a worried look.

Thats the new chapter 2!

Next chapter out soon as well as chapter 4

R/R thanks to all who have

B


	3. chapter 3

Disclaimer: refer to chapter 1

Hey everyone! Here is chapter 3, chapter 4 should be out as soon as tomorrow. Thanks to my wonderful beta reader LilyZWnam77. Any suggestions on what you would like to see happen love to here any. Please R/R its so nice to see that people actually like your story lol. Well anyways on with the story

B

Chapter 3  
  
_"You okay?" Madison asked.  
  
"I'm...I don't know anymore." He told them as he stared at nothing once again. The rest shared a worried look.  
_  
........................  
  
"James." Lily tried lightly. _She was there too? Why are they all looking at me, what did they see, please say they didn't see anything? They can't!_ He started rambling to himself. Sirius broke him out of his reverie.  
  
"James what was on your back?" Sirius said, his voice full of nervousness, seriousness, and worry.  
  
"What?" James asked, half understanding them and half not wanting to believe that they were there. He hated any confrontation; it always ended up with him hating himself, being hurt, or wanting to die.  
  
"James, we saw your back while you were sleeping. _Please_ tell me what you are hiding from us." Remus said pleadingly.  
  
"I'm not hiding anything." James told them as he inched away from Sirius, unconsciously holding his left arm as if to protect him.  
  
"James, please tell them." Madison pleaded with her brother. James looked at her. Everyone was looking at him now.  
  
"Tell us what?" Lily asked.  
  
"They need to know." She tried again.  
  
"There's nothing to know." His voice was deadly calm.  
  
"James, don't do this." Madison said, knowing that he already was trying to separate himself from their questioning.  
  
"James, what do we need to know? Tell us... Come on, we will help you with whatever it is." Sirius said cautiously.  
  
_James, James, James...why were they constantly using his name before they asked him anything. "Don't tell them anything James! You're worthless, they don't even care! They're just pretending so they will know what's wrong and leave you. You know what will happen if you tell what I will personally do to you."_ His father's voice rang through him.  
  
They were all watching him intently; it looked as if he was struggling within himself.  
  
"Stop!" He called out to them, putting his hands over his ears, trying to block out the voice that always rang through his thoughts.  
  
"James please..."  
  
"Stop!" He called out again standing up trying to walk towards the bathroom. Sirius grabbed for his hand to bring him back. He caught it, surprising both him and James. James stood there in shock.  
  
Sirius was holding his cut hand, which he had cut again last night out of anger. Pain was shooting up his arm from the pressure of Sirius's grip. It was hurting him, Sirius was hurting him. He quickly tried to release his grip from Sirius, but Sirius was determined not to lose his friend. He wanted to finally know what was wrong with James. All these years he had always been a little secluded, private even, and he knew something was wrong, especially this year when he had come back to Hogwarts from summer.  
  
"Stop it, you're hurting me!" James let out finally.  
  
"What?" Sirius was confused and he let James hand go. James immediately clutched the hand that Sirius had been holding. Sirius didn't move, shocked at James outburst. He was still standing up, and Madison was approaching him. James backed up away from her into a wall. He felt trapped. She was going to tell if he didn't. He knew it.  
  
"Please Madison, go away! Stop!" she was close to him now. "Please, stop!" he yelled out to her as she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. Not tight enough to hurt him, but to show that she still wanted him. James was shocked. He stood there, very still as Madison hugged him. No one ever hugged him, even as a child. His father beat him or tried to hurt him, while his mother was always drunk or stoned.  
  
"Don't." He let out weakly, he felt weak now. The others just watched as James was crumbling before them just because of a hug.  
  
"Please, stop! Get off of me." He was struggling against her, but the lack of food and sleep was really getting to him. Putting so much energy into trying to get away from her made him tired. Madison held him, still. As he sat on the dormitory floor, she sat down with him. She felt him tense beneath her arms.  
  
"What's wrong James?' She asked letting go of him. That was his chance. He tried to scramble to his feet to get away from her. He looked around there was nowhere for him to escape, Sirius was still sitting on his bed, Remus standing by the bathroom and Lily blocking his way out the dorm door. He suddenly felt very dizzy, it felt as if he were spinning, his stomach felt empty his eyelids were sinking. He had to get to his bed. James took the two steps towards his bed and collapsed onto it. Finally exhaustion had caught up with him, as he fell asleep instantly. They all ran towards him, worried.  
  
"He's asleep?" Sirius wondered out loud.  
  
"You guys, I know he will tell you soon. I have to let him, but you should know that he suffers from insomnia. I don't think he has actually slept in awhile, so let's let him sleep." Sirius still sat next to his sleeping friend. He was still wondering what James meant when he had told him he was hurting him. This worried him. He needed to know! Lily sat down on Sirius's bed while Remus sat on his own. Madison still sat on the floor. She didn't want to move. She was still worried about the effect she had on James when she hugged him. If he was that scared of her, maybe he didn't want to be touched in any way. Truly, she didn't blame him but deep down she knew he needed to let some people in, he needed help whether he wanted to admit it or not.  
  
Remus sat there, watching his friend sleep peacefully. He was still wondering about the dream that James had had last night and what it may have been about. Lily sat there staring at James' sleeping form. What was wrong with him, she didn't know, but she knew that she wanted to help, and after what she just witnessed, it wasn't going to be easy to get through to him.  
  
About ten minutes passed in this silence when James stirred. He blinked a few times, and sat up. Everyone was staring at him again. _What is going on_? he thought to himself. Then everything came flooding back to him. _Oh no! They are going to start asking questions again._  
  
"James go back to sleep, you need some rest." Madison suggested to him. _Why is everyone looking at me?  
  
_"Stop!" He called out to no one in particular.  
  
"James, we all know something is wrong with you. Please tell us, we can help you." Remus said simply.  
  
"Why does something always have to be wrong with me? I get it, okay? I'm not wanted. Never was. I get it now. Why do I even bother?" He started to mutter to himself. His friends listened to him go on since he no longer was talking to himself.  
  
"Please dad, stop! It hurts; you're hurting me! Why don't you stop? You don't know what you are doing to me! Worthless, I know, I know! I get it now, I understand, just stop hurting me, I can do it myself! Look at what you do to me, look what you make me do to myself! I hate you! I hate me! Go away, you don't want me, no one does. You've said it enough. Where is it? I need it?" James got up. "Where is it?" He asked to them now. "Tell me where it is?" He was now shaking noticeably. "I need it!"  
  
"What do you need, tell us." Sirius inquired to James.  
  
"You know where it is, you're hiding it, don't do that to me I need it."  
  
"Need what?"  
  
"Stop, just give it to me. I wont stop, so it doesn't matter. Actually, I only need it once more, and then it will all be over... never have to see him again. Tell me where it is!" James yelled.  
  
"Stop!" Madison yelled at him.  
  
"You don't need it James! You have us, you don't have to do that to yourself."  
  
"Yes I do! You don't understand... none of you do. Just let me do it, please let me do it. I don't want to be here anymore. I never have. I'm not wanted. I understand, he has told me enough. I get it." He rambled again.  
  
"James I want you here" Madison looked to the others to help her. They all nodded and agreed, not quite knowing quite well what he was on about.  
  
"You're lying, always lying." He said looking accusingly at them.  
  
"Please give me it; you don't understand... it helps me."  
  
"It doesn't help you. We can help you."  
  
"Stop it! You can't help, I don't need you to help. I found a way already."  
  
"That's not the right way to deal with things. Promise me you will stop."  
  
"No!" He started shaking his head.  
  
"James tell me what's happening, I want to know." Sirius tried with him. James was silent for a moment.  
  
"You really want to know?" he asked disbelievingly.  
  
"Yes, just talk to me." Sirius said looking worriedly at his friend.  
  
"I don't know how." James mumbled.  
  
"Alright, well how about we will ask you something, and you tell us what you want to. Just trust us. We're not going to hurt you."  
  
"But you don't care." He said so seriously.  
  
"James, of course I care. What would make you think that?" Sirius asked.  
  
"He said you didn't care. Why should I believe you?"  
  
"Who?" Remus now asked. They were all sitting around on the floor, facing him.  
  
James looked down. "But he said."  
  
"Who?" Lily asked. James looked up at her.  
  
"I can't tell you. I don't want to tell you. Forget everything I said already, anything you might have heard. It doesn't matter. I was wrong. I shouldn't have said anything. I was lying. I just wanted your sympathy, sorry for worrying you. Madison, what you saw the other night was nothing, all right? Please, just forget it. I don't want you worrying over something that you shouldn't be worrying over. Those marks on my back were from Quidditch. I had an accident over the summer, and I hurt myself. I needed my broom so I could start playing again. My dad was mad at me that I had stopped playing Quidditch after I was hurt, and he was only trying to help me begin again, but I was being stubborn. Madison, please leave it at that, I'm really tired now. I haven't been able to sleep lately, so would you mind letting me sleep? Thanks. See you guys tomorrow at breakfast, thanks for trying to help me, it means a lot." James said this all so seriously as he shut the curtains around his bed.  
  
Madison didn't know what to do; he was so close, now he had shut himself up again. She knew there was going to be no way that he would be talking anytime soon. So she walked out of the room, saying goodnight to everyone. Lily followed her, not knowing what to think. She knew what James said was a lie. Earlier he had said something about his father. She was going to talk to him soon; maybe if she told him how she felt he might open up to her more.  
  
She fell into an uneasy sleep.  
  
---  
  
Remus and Sirius both got into their beds thinking of everything James had revealed without thinking. Sirius wasn't as dumb as he looked. James father was hurting James, he didn't know for how long or why though. He also knew now that James was somehow hurting himself and he needed something, but what...? He didn't want to think of the possibilities of what he may be doing though. He then fell into yet another uneasy sleep. Remus was thinking along the same lines as Sirius, and he didn't fall asleep for quite awhile, just listening to James. By the uneven breathing, he knew James had yet to fall asleep. So he to tried to stay up as long as he could just listening.  
  
James sat in the farthest corner of his bed, looking down at his self- inflicted cuts. _I can't believe I was that close to telling them everything. What is wrong with me? They can't know. You know that James. He will just hurt you more if you tell._ He thought bitterly at all these thoughts flooding his mind. _Why was Lily there too? I didn't want her to know. She would never like me if she knew what I do!  
_  
After that, he sat still, not wanting to think to himself. Remus was still up. He could tell. There was going to be no cutting tonight. Remus, even if he were asleep, would no doubt be listening for anything out of the ordinary. So James tried something new. He began to trace quite hardly on the still raw cuts. The pressure hurt just as much as the blade slicing would have. He tried not to cry out in pain. _Tomorrow is going to be a long day_.

-------

Thats all for chapter 3

Thanks to all my reviewers which is like 2 but I still love you neways

R/R please


	4. chapter 4

Disclaimer: refer to chapter 1

A/N- Hey finally here is chapter 4 yay! Thanks to my reviewers and my wonderful beta reader LilyZWnam77 who has a great idea for the next chapter. Well on with chapter 4!

B

Chapter 4  
  
James lay in his bed, yet again, thinking. As if he didn't do enough of that already. After resolving with himself that he would act as if nothing unusual happened yesterday and be his happy go lucky self again, he grabbed a book and walked downstairs to the common room. Remus had fallen asleep a while ago, so James was free to do what he pleased. James sat in the corner of the couch near the fireplace. He read for about an hour, writing in the margin of the books thoughts or anything that he came up with. He often did this, although he didn't exactly know why. It was just something he did. Reading relaxed him, brought him out of the real world and to somewhere better. James put the book down and stared into the fire.  
  
Lily awoke with a start. She couldn't sleep, there was just too much on her mind, mainly a certain guy. Now, her and Madison weren't exactly best friends with the Marauders, but they were still friends and somewhat hung out. This year, though, Lily knew it would be better since Madison had already taken a greater interest into James life for some reason and was now always near him. Lily still wasn't exactly sure why, but she did know that something happened at their home the night Madison left her house. Lily had taken on a new goal this year; she wanted to get to know James better. Yes, she really liked him, but whenever she was close to telling him of her feelings something always got in the way, or mainly she would back down. She wouldn't this year, though. First she would get to know him more, since, and she hated to admit it, she knew nothing about him, and didn't learn much from Madison either since she never spent much time with him. After she got to know him a bit then she would ask him out if he didn't ask her.  
  
Basically, she was sick of waiting. Lily didn't exactly know why she liked James so much, but it was like something was drawing her to him and she knew that no matter how much she wanted to be with him, she just hoped that he would feel the same way.  
  
_There is no way that I'm going to be able to fall asleep_. With that thought Lily got up and walked down to the common room. At the last step she froze and looked ahead. Sitting on the couch staring into the fire intently was the main source of her thoughts: James Potter.  
  
She slowly walked towards him; she could tell that he was zoned out again.  
  
"Hey, James." She started confidently. James's head snapped to her direction. For a second he sat there looking at her. She took that moment to stare into his eyes. They were really blue tonight but they looked sore, like he hadn't slept in a while. But before she could question him on that he replied.  
  
"Hi Lily, what are you doing up?"  
  
"Couldn't sleep. I'm guessing you couldn't either." She replied. There was an awkward silence where the two didn't know what to say.  
  
"Umm.. do you want to sit down?" James motioned to the seat next to him.  
  
"All right." Lily said as she sat down, and took in his appearance, as James did to her. He was wearing black flannel pants and another black long sleeved shirt, while she was wearing a white t-shirt and blue-checkered flannel pants.  
  
"Can I ask you something?" She said quite randomly.  
  
"I believe you just did." James said with a small smirk.  
  
"You know what I mean." Lily said and rolled her eyes.  
  
"Yeah, I guess you could." James replied. _Here it comes, more confrontation_. He thought to himself.  
  
"Well a lot happened yesterday, and there are a lot of things I know that I and all of your friends want to ask you, but I also know how hard it is to talk about things you would rather keep to yourself. Just remember, though, that we are here for you and want to help even if you don't need it, okay? You should talk to them about what ever is bothering you because you will feel better in the end." Lily finished. James took in what she said and nodded towards her.  
  
"Also remember, even though we don't know each other very well, I am a great listener and I wont judge you."  
  
"Thanks Lily, I think you have been the most help so far." James replied after a minute and looked down. Lily was beaming inside.  
  
"Lily?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Do you think that we could be friends? I mean... you know I don't really have a lot of close friends and all, and with Madison set on making sure I don't..." He stopped himself before he said anymore. There was an awkward silence. _What was he about to say? Just friends? I guess that is a good start, and it means a lot coming from James_. Lily thought to herself and than noticed that he was waiting for an answer.  
  
"Of course I want to be your friend. She said and smiled.  
  
He smiled back at her. _What have I gotten myself into? He thought to himself. At least she hasn't asked any questions and is giving me space. This actually could be good for me. If she finds out and is still my friend then maybe there is a chance that she might like - Stop! she said she wanted to be your friend. You're lucky for that, who would want to go any farther with you_? He thought bitterly to himself. Lily noticed that he seemed to be struggling with himself again.  
  
"James, are you okay?"  
  
"Yeah... I was just thinking. its nothing, doesn't matter." He blew off.  
  
"Okay." She replied unsurely.  
  
"You know if you ever want to talk about anything I will be here to listen." Lily supplied.  
  
"I know." James replied smiling inside.  
  
James and Lily sat in companionable silence, once again both lost in their own thoughts.  
  
"James, do you want to come down to breakfast with me in ten minutes?" Lily voiced her question.  
  
"All right, I guess I will go up to change then." James answered. They both got up and went to their dormitories. It was still early and the others were still asleep. Lily quickly got changed into her uniform and did her hair and make-up, grabbing her books before she went back downstairs. Once ready, she went downstairs to see James waiting for her. He was wearing his uniform and had his books as well ready for class.  
  
They made their way downstairs chatting until they reached the great hall and took their seats. James sat across from Lily who, at the moment, was piling toast and other breakfast foods onto her plate. _What was he supposed to do now? Of course she would notice if he weren't eating_. Lily continued eating while James stared at his plate contemplating on what to do.  
  
"You know, I may not know exactly what is going on, but I really think no matter what it is you should eat something." She told him looking into his eyes, which he quickly diverted. She noticed this again but didn't question him on it.  
  
"I know it's none of my business, but if I'm going to be your friend, I think you should trust me. Also if you at least eat something, I can tell everyone else that you ate so they will be off your back, at least for now." Lily offered to him. James looked up to her. She was right, and he really did like her, and he also liked that she gave him some space, at the same time telling him what was right, and she was right he should at least eat something. Especially since he didn't want to acquire an eating disorder. _That would just top all my many problems off._  
  
"You're right." James said and smiled at her as he put a piece of toast onto his plate.  
  
"Good, I'm always right." She told him smiling than stuck her tongue out.  
  
"That's real mature." James said seriously, which made them both laugh, well, James sort of laughed. He picked up one half of the slice. He wasn't used to being able to eat at his own free will. Usually food was just given to him occasionally. Or if he was really hungry, then he took some. He took a bite, and put it down. Lily was still looking at him.  
  
"Now, that didn't kill you did it?" She asked raising her eyebrows.  
  
"No." He said as he took another small bite. Soon enough he finished his piece of toast, deciding to eat no more. Lily finished hers but didn't comment on his one slice. She was really just glad that he ate something, and that she was the one to help him. Sirius took a seat next to James, and began loading his plate. A minute later Madison and Remus appeared at the table.  
  
The group chatted like usual, no one wanting to bring up anything about last night unless James did. The three noted that James was, again, just sitting there but not eating.  
  
"James I don't want to be pushy, but I think you should really eat something." Madison told her brother.  
  
"I already ate." He said looking at his plate. He really wished they would just all leave him alone.  
  
"What did you eat?" Remus asked.  
  
"He ate toast." Lily supplied looking at James; she could tell he was going to get really irritated in a minute.  
  
"Really?" Sirius questioned.  
  
"Yes! Why is it so hard to believe that I actually did something right for a change? You're being just like him." James said and got up from the table walking through the doors leaving his books behind.  
  
"You guys really just need to give him some space. You know, if you stop trying to go to him he might actually come to you." Lily said  
  
Remus ignored her comment for a moment. "Who did he mean by 'he'?" He asked aloud.  
  
"Our father." Madison added.  
  
"Huh?" Sirius questioned.  
  
"Let's just say James really hates him and that the feeling is mutual between them." Madison told the group. Remus was about to question more when the owls swirled in to deliver the post and mail. A dark brown owl flew towards them stopping only to drop the letter in the middle of the table before it took off once again. Madison recognized the owl as her fathers. The group stared at the letter until Remus grabbed it and read whom it was addressed to. On the front neatly written in black writing was _James Potter.  
_  
"Should we open it?" Sirius asked curiosity getting the better of him.  
  
"I don't know." Lily spoke aloud.  
  
"It could be personal." Remus said always the reasonable one.  
  
"But it could also answer a lot of are questions to." Sirius put in.  
  
"I say we go bring it to James, let him read and see what he does. Than we wont be invading anymore of his personal space. Lily offered.  
  
"All right." The group agreed.  
  
They were about to get up and go to class when Alexis Hansen, the Quidditch captain, walked up to them.  
  
"Sirius, Remus, there is going to be a Quidditch practice tonight. Be there and make sure to tell James to come to." She added.  
  
"All right Alexis." Sirius said as the group got up to leave and Alexis walked off and over to her friends.  
  
The group walked out of the hall and to their first class of Transfiguration. James was already sitting in a seat. Sirius gave him his books and sat on one side of him, while Lily sat on the other for a change. Madison sat next to Lily and Remus next to Sirius. James still hadn't spoken to any of them and the letter wasn't brought up yet since professor McGonagall had began her lesson. The class was taking notes off the board at the moment and McGonagall had her back turned still writing more on the importance of hand movements during spells. Lily took out a piece of spare parchment and wrote on it and then placed it in front of where James was writing the note. He stopped and looked at Lily. She motioned him to read it so he turned his head back and looked down to what she had written to him.  
  
**_Are you okay?  
_**  
James looked next to him to Sirius who was out cold sleeping as usual. Then, he looked back to the note where the words were written before responding and placing it back in front of Lily. Lily read what he wrote back to her.  
  
**Great. Why wouldn't I be okay?  
**  
Lily read it over again and sighed. _Why wouldn't he ever just admit that something was wrong when you could so clearly tell that there was_? She asked herself before replying back.  
  
_**I don't know, you just seemed kind of irritated when you left breakfast this morning and you haven't spoken to anyone yet.  
**_  
**Well you would get kind of aggravated to if everyone kept bugging you to eat. It does get annoying, especially when you already have.**  
  
_**Why don't you just eat in the first place? Then you won't have to put up with this, unless you have an eating disorder or something...  
**_  
**It's not as easy as that, Lily. You wouldn't understand. And no, I don't have an eating disorder.  
**  
He passed the note back to her and waited while she replied.  
  
**_Than why don't you just eat? Really, its not that hard, and it would get everyone off your back_.  
**  
**If you haven't noticed, I am eating now. You don't understand why I am like this, and I would really not like to talk about it, especially in a note.  
**  
_**Well maybe if you at least talked to someone about your problems instead of bubbling them inside you, you wouldn't blow up at us every time one of us voices a concern about you. We're just worried about you James.  
**_  
James reread what she had written. It was true, he really did need to talk to someone and soon before he burst. _Maybe if I tell her she could help me get the courage to tell Remus and Sirius about everything. It is mostly those two who I am worried about how they would react_. Lily watched him read what she had written for about a minute contemplating her words over in his head. Then he responded and Lily quickly read what he had written.  
  
**Who would really want to listen to all my problems? Its not like they are worth concerning over. Plus, I don't think I can tell Remus and Sirius yet, I really just don't know how. And Madison already knows about the main reason but I haven't told her everything. I just don't want everyone to find out about all of this.  
**  
_**If you want to you can talk to me. I could help you with what ever you need.  
**_  
Lily pushed the note back to James trying not to blush.  
  
**Trust me, Lily. Thanks, but I don't think you would want to hear about all my problems**.  
  
_**James I want to help you, I know we haven't been the best of friends before but you can trust me.  
**_  
**I don't know... you really would help me?  
  
_Yes, I would like to help you and maybe you can help me with a few things too_**? He paused for a minute before answering her.  
  
**Okay but I don't want to tell you by writing it out... it's a little hard, even to say.  
  
_That's fine. Whenever you want to just talk, come and find me. Okay_**?  
  
**Okay.**  
  
**_By the way, Alexis came up to us after you left this morning and wanted Sirius or Remus to tell you that you have Quidditch practice after classes tonight. But Sirius is sleeping and Remus looks to be kind of busy at the moment._** It was true; Remus was talking to this Amy girl from Ravenclaw.  
  
**All right.  
**  
_**Did Remus give you your letter yet?**_  
  
**No. What letter?  
**  
**_Well you have a letter. You should get it from Remus after class.  
_**  
**Did it say who it was from?  
**  
**_No, but Madison recognized the owl and says its probably from your dad.  
_**  
**Did anyone read it?**  
  
_**No, we just brought it to class for you**_. Lily noticed that James seemed to let a sigh of relief out at this.  
  
**Okay. I guess I will get it after class then**. James wrote uneasily. _Why would he be writing to me? About what_? These thoughts flooded his mind.  
  
The bell rang and Professor McGonagall dismissed the class. Lily gathered up the note as James woke up Sirius.  
  
They then walked to their next class which was potions.  
  
"Remus, Lily mentioned that a letter came to me this morning."  
  
"Oh, yeah." He replied and took the letter out of his bag and handed it to James.  
  
James took it and stared down at it he knew the writing as it was from his dad. _Do I really want to open it? What does he want?_ He decided that he wasn't going to let his father ruin his day just yet since surprisingly talking to Lily made him a bit happier than he was to start the day off.  
  
**_It's because you like her_**! His mind told him.  
  
_Shut up! I can't_ _deal with all this right now_.  
  
_**You're talking to yourself again.  
  
**It's not possible to have a conversation with yourself_.  
  
**_Well you are having one, and a weird one at that_**.  
  
_Oh shut up!  
_  
_**You know that you are telling yourself to shut up now? I told you, you're going insane.  
  
**Stop it!  
_  
"Are you okay?" Sirius questioned worriedly. James broke out of his thoughts.  
  
"Huh? Oh... yeah, I'm fine." James replied still distracted from his insane thoughts. _I am going insane_. He rolled his eyes at this and than got a weird look from Remus who was listening to their conversation. They walked into potions together and took seats at the back.  
  
It was another very long class, and the professor was breathing down their backs the whole time. James desperately wanted to get out of there, as well as half of the class, besides the Slytherins who smirked at every rude comment their teacher would make.  
  
Finally, the bell went and they made their way out, only to be stopped further down the hall by Lucius Malfoy, standing by Severus Snape, and their cronies standing behind them.  
  
"So Potter, I see you made it through another summer and are gracing us with your presence once again." Lucius said sarcastically smirking at James through his ice blue eyes. Sirius, Remus, Madison and Lily came up behind James to see what was going on.  
  
"What do you want Malfoy?" Remus asked lazily.  
  
"Shut up Lupin, you are not apart of this." Snape sneered.  
  
"And why is that?" Remus asked lazily once again.  
  
"I'm guessing your so called_ friend_ Potter hasn't been telling you of what goes on during the summer. Wouldn't you like to know though?" He asked smirking at James. Everyone looked at James, who was glaring at Malfoy. _Shit!! I hate him! I hate all of them...ughh... of course he would know about everything, knowing my father probably told his_. James didn't know how to respond to this.

-----

Thats all for chapter 4

R/R please

B

Chapter 5 out soon!


	5. chapter 5

Disclaimer: refer to chapter 1

Hey again! Here is chapter 5 yay! I'm hoping to get at least 5 reviews for this chapter. Is that to much to ask? lol anyways chapter 6 might take a little while longer, yet to type it out and its going to be a long one. So I'm thinking that it should at least be good. Gonna be maybe some drama, angst and maybe a little romance. About time eh? Well on with the story since probably half of you dont even read this. If you have any suggestions on what you would like to see happen soon please add it in review and again PLEASE review.

Thanks to my great beta LilyZWnam77 who edited this whole story so far. It has been a help.

And thanks to my wonderful reviewers I luv you all!

Well finally on to the awaited chapter 5!

Chapter 5

"Got nothing to say now. It's just like facing your father, isn't it? You can't say anything or he will hurt you." At this he smiled coldly. "Now, here if you say anything, all your secrets will be told. What to do... What to do? I don't know, why don't you explain some things to us?" Malfoy paused. "Well, that would be new to you though, wouldn't it? Since you usually never get the chance to speak anyways... Always on the ground right? Bet you couldn't  
stand up for yourself if you tried." He turned to Sirius and Remus. "Haven't you ever wondered where all the bruises are from? Oh, right. James hides them so well from all of you. You think he would have told you two because you're his best friends? Right?" Sirius and Remus just stood there catching on to everything, but not wanting to believe it.  
  
"Do you get it now? Thought you would have earlier. Especially you, Lupin. You're the smart one." At this he laughed, followed by the rest of his group.  
  
"Or should I spell it out for you? Let's see, where to start... hmm... Maybe at the part where his father beats him." He said, gaining a cruel smile across his face.  
  
"Shut up!" James yelled at him.  
  
"Finally speaking now? But isn't this the part where your father hits you?" He said, striking out at James. James caught his fist before it hit him, surprising Malfoy that he could react so quickly. Malfoy glared at this sudden movement until James spoke.  
  
"You know, my father may beat me, but I'm not like him. I don't hurt family or turn on them no matter what they do. Unlike you, I'm not a conniving bastard who does anything for attention, including telling others about my personal life. You know, I think you reached a new low that I thought even you couldn't reach. You may know my secrets, but that doesn't mean I don't know yours. Lets just say... fathers talk, and you wouldn't believe what my father learns from yours at the bars and then yells it at me in drunken rage while he beats me. I know more about you than you would ever know. But I at least have some decency to keep it to myself." James said bitterly.  
  
"You're lying! You don't know shit, you just talk it." Lucius spat at him.  
  
"Really, you think?" James tried him.  
  
"Yes, Potter. I think that all you know is shit, and you're just trying to get out of your own. Not too good at that though, are you?" Lucius said back.  
  
"Just try me. Give me the best thing you got." Lucius spat at him. Everyone was silent to hear what James had to say.  
  
"Well, hmm... Is this shit, or just a time when your father was so piss drunk that he let it... let's say... slip from his mouth." James began.  
  
"Well, I don't know. You haven't said anything useful yet to even callshit. You have nothing on me." Lucius smirked as he waited for James to reply. The hall was dead quiet waiting for James to reply, not believing what had happened from this conversation already.  
  
"I don't know, Lucius. Should I really tell them?"  
  
"Go on James. I'm dying to hear."  
  
"Well, fine. If you're dying, I might as well tell you then. You know, I don't know why you even brought up about my father beating me, because doesn't that relate to you too? No, wait... he doesn't just beat you, though. Didn't he put the Crucio curse on you because he wanted to try his new trick out that he learned from his death eater meeting?" James spat back at him. Lucius paled at this.  
  
"I guess I hit a nerve, didn't I? Now, that wasn't shit, as you would call it, was it?" James asked.  
  
"Well since we are getting this all out in the open now, maybe I should add that you're not such a newcomer to the Crucio either are you?"  
  
"No, I'm not actually." James let out, and could here Madison gasp beside him and could feel everyone staring at him in pity and sympathy. He hated these feelings.  
  
"Also, I should add that although my father did do that to me, at least he doesn't do it for fun."  
  
"At least I know how to take pain, unlike you, and don't scream like a girl when I receive it!" James said icily. Lucius glared at him.  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"All out of comebacks now, I see. No more dirt to let out about me." James said, glaring at him.

It was quiet. No one spoke; you could cut the tension between them with a knife. No one dared to say anything while they were looking at each other. Lucius took another swing at James, which he easily dodged.  
  
"I might let him hit me, but that doesn't mean that you can get a free swing." Lucius swung again, missing.  
  
"Not very good at that, I see." James said and smirked.  
  
"I see you choose to not even try against me either; you know, it doesn't take a fool to dodge a fist coming at their face. But you don't even try totake a hit at me. It's funny, actually." Lucius retorted. By now, James had given the letter to Remus and dodged yet another punch thrown by Lucius.  
  
"That's really all you got Potter? Come on... you can talk shit, but let me at least see you fight. Please tell me that this isn't all you got." Lucius said and let out a cruel laugh, which was quickly cut dead when a fist came smashing at him square in the face. Lucius clutched his nose.  
  
"What the hell?" He let out in astonishment at James. Did he really just do that? The crowd around the two was dead quiet again waiting to see what Lucius would do.  
  
"Not so cocky know?" James asked. Lucius lunged for James, pulling them both down to the ground. Swings were thrown everywhere until Sirius and Remus took a hold of James, and Snape tried to help Malfoy up, finally breaking up the two.

James and Malfoy glared at each other once again.  
  
"I would advise you to not talk about anything that happened, or else I may have to just tell people how much of a wimp you are at fighting. You might have cold words, but your swings are shit." James told him. Lucius ignored him and continued on.  
  
"Potter... must have felt good to let some of that out, didn't it? Don't usually get the chance to with your father." Lucius said, grinning at the expression that was crossing James face.  
  
"Actually, it did, I'm just sorry I didn't get to beat your assanymore. But wait, I'm the nice one here, I don't start the shit, I just take part in it." James let out.  
  
"Shut up." James laughed at this.  
  
"You know, if your father heard you talking like this or see you fighting with me and then getting the worse end of it, I know that if I were you, I wouldn't be expecting a welcoming hug from him." James said.  
  
"At least my father would have a reason to be mad at me, and it's not just the fact that I was born." Lucius sneered. That hurt James, and Madison could tell he didn't know what to say to him. There was a pause before James spoke.  
  
"Okay, you win this time. You get to be the bigger ass. Does it feel good knowing that you know how to hurt people? Wait, why am I asking you this? It does feel good to you to cause others pain. It just covers everything else you feel. You know, in some ways you are just like me, but you choose to be a future death eater and follow in your father's footsteps so you can just repeat everything he ever did to you, just to feel that little bit of self-fulfillment. Well, you know what? I really don't care who you tell about my problems. Nothing much more can hurt me anyways, so why not add to it? See how much I can take before I finally burst, right? Let me tell you, you are the least of my worries right now. So, maybe you and your little Slytherin friends can go find someone else to bug who actually can feel the pain you want to cause them, because it doesn't work on me anymore, I don't feel anything. So sorry to disappoint you." James finished and turned around, pushing his way through his friends and hurriedly walking up to Gryffindor tower. He really had to get away from everything, and the perfect way was just sitting there, waiting for him to take the chance.  
  
Malfoy watched James push his way through the crowd just a bit dejected that he couldn't get a rise out of him. Well, he tried, and hated to admit it. Although James secrets where now somewhat known, his were too, and to top it all off, he really did suck against James fighting. With an irritated snap, he called his friends to follow him to the Great Hall for lunch. He had better things to do than stand in the hall watching his self-image plummet before the 6th year Gryffindor population. So he walked away, not seeing the looks of disgust Sirius was sending him.  
  
The four Gryffindors stood in silence for a minute.  
  
"Should we go find James?" Madison asked.  
  
"I really think that won't be a very good idea. My guess is enough was told today that he won't want to be seeing us anytime soon." Remus put in.  
  
"You're probably right, but I'm just worried about him being alone up there. Who knows what he might do." Sirius said.  
  
"There is only ten minutes to class." Lily added.  
  
"I say, let's go check on him and if he wants to be left alone than we will just go to class." Madison told them. They all agreed and hurried up to the tower.  
  
Sirius went up the stairs to the dorm while the rest stayed in the common room.  
  
"James." He called out. No one answered. His bed was empty. Sirius then checked the bathroom, no one was in there. Sirius walked back down to the group.  
  
"He's not up there."  
  
"Let's go to class. He could be there." Lily tried.  
  
"All right." They agreed, having no better ideas.  
  
Sure enough, when they walked into history of magic five minutes late, James was sitting at one of the desks in the back. The professor didn't notice them take their seats since he was to busy talking and writing notes on the board. They sat in the same order as the sat in Transfiguration. James just stared ahead at the board, ignoring all the attempts his friends made to talk to him.  
  
Sirius stared at his friend, very worried. He didn't know how much James actually went through. What else did he do? He really needed to talk to him now. Then he noticed it on James palm which was half open at the moment but then closed again. What was that? It looked like blood, but he wasn't sure. This worried him even more. Sirius than looked over to Madison who looked as if in deep in thought.  
  
Madison was thinking about what Malfoy and her brother were talking about. James had already experienced that? Was her dad a death eater too, if James claimed that Malfoy's was? She was very confused; James was definitely right though. What she had seen was nothing compared to what he was probably used to.  
  
Lily wasn't exactly sure of what to think. James really needed to explain a few things to them. She needed to talk to him before he tried to close himself off again. She was so close earlier, and now Malfoy seemed to have ruined any chances that they had to talk to James. What she couldn't get over was the fact that all these years he had put on such a tough exterior and was somewhat cocky even at times, and yet that was all a cover as to how he really was. It was as if he was a shell of what he tried to be.  
  
Remus was having similar thoughts as his friends. He really needed to talk to James, and quickly, before James did anything that he might regret. Right now, though, James was completely ignoring all of them, and Remus was very concerned that if they didn't get through to him soon, they never would be able to.  
  
Lily wrote on a piece of parchment and than placed it in front of James so he could clearly see it and would have to answer. James looked down at what Lily had written.  
  
**Can we talk later**?  
  
Yes! His brain was screaming at him. _You need to talk, and you know it_. **I do not**! _Whatever, Jame_s. _You need help, and this is where you're going to find it_. **No**. He retorted weakly back to himself. Lily was looking at him, expecting an answer. He really couldn't completely ignore her anymore, so he answered her back.  
  
Lily looked down at the parchment to find these words written back to her.  
  
_**There is nothing to talk about Lily.  
  
**_She wanted to cry, he was being like this again. She didn't know what else to write to him, so she didn't. She was going to give him his space if he wanted it so much. Soon enough, he will want to talk, hopefully it wont be too late though.  
  
James just sat there. He knew that he had yet again pushed everyone away from him, but that was what he did best, wasn't it? After a very long and silent class, the bell rang. They all had a spare for the next class. James still hadn't spoken to anyone, and everyone else had stopped trying after many failed attempts. So the group walked up to their common room. Once there, they sat on the couches, talking about anything other than what had happened at lunch. Sirius had decided to get them some food from the kitchens, since they had missed lunch. Once he was back, everyone dug in, James occasionally eating something small. Everyone was just happy that he was moving and wasn't sitting still anymore.  
  
"Remus, can I have my letter? I would like to read it later." James broke the silence.  
  
"Yeah. Sure." Remus said handing it to James. James stood up. They all looked up expectantly at him.  
  
"I'm just going to put this upstairs, then I'm changing for Quidditch. Don't worry so much about me. I'm fine." He said, trying to reassure them all as he walked up the stairs. Once there, he opened the letter. Inside was a razor with dried blood on it. He immediately closed it. _I hate him_! He screamed inside himself. He put the letter back on the bed not wanting to read it just yet, and got changed. Remus and Sirius came up when he was finished and both quickly got changed too. They all grabbed their brooms, then the five of them (Lily and Madison wanted to watch the practice) walked down to the pitch.  
  
Alexis was waiting for them.  
  
"About time! Get in the air and start doing laps." She ordered. They all took off together. James felt at ease in the air, as if nothing could really get him or hurt him. Today though, he had his mind on other things. He just couldn't concentrate on flying and he knew that he was doing it poorly. Alexis threw a quaffle at him that he barely caught.

"Get your head in the game, Potter!" She yelled out at him.  
  
He threw for the hoops hard not caring if he missed or not. He didn't care anymore. Alexis watched the quaffle go right pass the hoops, not even close. He did it again, then got it through one, but not a very nicely.  
  
Sirius was watching him. _What is wrong with him? Probably not concentrating enough. This is not going to be good_. Sirius thought to himself. He was right.  
  
"Potter, get down here now." Alexis called from the ground where she had started to watch from. James flew down to her. Lily and Madison were sitting in the stands. He could feel their eyes on him.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you?" She asked quite irritated.  
  
"Nothing." James muttered back to her.  
  
"Well, James, obviously there is, because you are not playing up to par and won't be playing in the next game if you continue like this." She continued on.  
  
"Okay." He said, and began to walk off.  
  
"Where are you going?" She yelled.  
  
"Back in the air." He yelled back.  
  
"I'm not finished with you." She yelled back.  
  
"Oh, so sorry. Please finish, go on. What were you going to yell now?" James asked, sarcasm dripping from his words. He really was not in the mood for this. The rest of the team had stopped practicing to listen in.  
  
"Get back up there!" She yelled to all of them.  
  
"Potter, it is a privilege to play on this team. Yes, you are the best chaser we have, but that doesn't mean you can play like that and talk back to your coach. I can sit you for a game if you continue like this." She began to lecture.  
  
"Well, is this what you call coaching, yelling at a player because they are having a bad day? Plus this is the first fucking practice! What does it matter how we play? Obviously we will be in sync after a good practice!" He yelled fed up with her.  
  
"You're sitting out the next game until you learn how to appreciate what you have here."  
  
"I have nothing here! This is just a game that is nothing but another way to forget reality and what is really happening. I don't care what happens out here!" James retorted.  
  
"Well you better start caring, or else you are off the team." She said, and glared at him, not noticing the rest of the team was hovering in the air, taking in every word she said. He didn't say anything.  
  
"Go do 15 laps and then you will sit for the rest of the practice and watch how a team works." He didn't move.  
  
"Go!"  
  
"I don't see the point of doing 15 laps and watching you practice if I'm not going to even be able to play until the second game. It's just a waste of my time."  
  
"I would advise you to start the laps or else you aren't playing the second game either." She threatened.  
  
"Well you better start teaching another player, then." James told her.  
  
"No that will be your part of the team for now on, since you don't want to practice. You will help others practice or else you're off the team." She told him.  
  
"Well, I guess I'm off the team then, because I quit. I'm sick of listening to you anyways; you know I'm a great player and would be good for the game. I might be a little off right now, but you would never understand the reasons why anyways.Do you ever think that some people have problems that don't always relate to you and everything you say." James told her  
  
"Try me." She asked icily.  
  
"I'd rather not, those would be things I would tell my coach, and you're obviously not that." He said, turning his back to walk away from her. She was furious. Nobody ever told her off, or at least had the guts to.  
  
"Where do you think you are going?" By know the whole team and other students who had been watching the practice were on the ground listening.  
  
"Away from you, I thought I already told you, but I quit. That means I'm not practicing with you, or the team. Is that clear enough? Or should I spell it out?" James said and stared at her. She was ready to strangle him.  
  
"You can't quit." She told him.

"And why is that?" He said raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Because I'm kicking you off the team." She told him blankly.  
  
"That's impossible, because I've already quit."  
  
"Get off the pitch now!" She yelled at him.  
  
"If you haven't already noticed, that is where I was trying to go until you so rudely interrupted me." He said, and began to walk away from her. She let out a yell of frustration.  
  
"I'm not finished with you!" She yelled at his retreating form. He turned around to see her once again. Does she ever shut up!  
  
"Well, I am!" He yelled, and began to walk off again. Alexis always had to have the last word though.  
  
"Potter!" He decided that he wasn't listening to her anymore and probably couldn't take anything else from her. So he so kindly shot her the finger so that she would get the last word but not have the final say. He heard her yell once more at the rest of the team to get back in the air. Once he reached the castle he ran all the way up to Gryffindor tower, through the common room and up the stairs to his dorm, where he sank onto his bed and shakily picked up the letter from his father and began to read it.

He reread it once more, taking in everything than angrily threw the letter onto the floor followed by the bloodstained razor, which echoed once it hit the  
floor. He was right. This was going to be a long day, and it had yet to be finished.

---------

Thats all for chapter 5. Chapter 6 should be out in at least a week. Alot is going to happen in that chapter.

Please Review for me. Thanks again to all those who have been reviewing. It does meen a lot.

Aries Chic


	6. chapter 6breaking the habit

Disclaimer: nothing is mine that you recognize as always....

A/N- Finally got this one out yay! sorry it took so long ppls and this chapter is actually quite short compared to the others to, it just took along time to get it the way tha I wanted. Thanks to my wonderful beta LilyZWnam77 you actually make me want to write this. Thanks for all the great comments. Please can some ppl review for this its sad actually I only got 3 for the last chapter. o wellz....neways on to chapter 6 finally yay!

---this chappie contains cutting and alot of angsty moments srry if you dont like it. Dont read it than, but for those of you who want to continue to read which I hope is all of you I will stop rambling on and go on with the chapter! about time eh?

The song belongs to LinkinPark-Breaking the Habit which I'm actually deciding to call this chapter if neone really cares which you probably dont but o well. Neways its a really good song I love it and it fits really well to all of this chapter and what James is going through.

---B----

Chapter 6- Breaking the Habit

_**Memories consume like opening the wound**_

**_I'm picking me apart again_**

**_You all assume I'm safe here in my room _****__**

**_Unless I try to start again._**

James paced his dorm room staring at the letter and bloodstained razor that were thrown against the floor just moments before. Thoughts flooded inside of him. Then came the cruel voice of Malfoy telling everyone his life. The one that he hated so much and did everything and anything to hide it from others, including himself. The real him, the one that hurt and endured pain but was feeling less to any other emotion but that. He could still see all of their shocked faces, learning all...well some of James worst moments. Ones that shouldn't have been told, ones that he didn't want to be told and known to everyone. Now they knew that there perfect James Potter who nobody could hurt was actually being beaten? Who would of thought? What great gossip this was going to be if it ended up going around the school.

He slowly lifted up the bottom of his shirt. Spreading across his stomach were bruises, cuts, gashes from glass that had still yet to be cared for. He could only imagine what his back might look like. Then he saw the scars; those were what haunted him the most. On his right side was a faint but very clear one. He just stared at it, hating himself because it was his fault he had these. Memories of that night filled his thoughts. That night only now two summers ago, was by far one of his worst. That was the night his father first used the Crucio curse on him. This was followed by many more of these occurrences. When his father was really angry, or if he used it enough on him, that was when the curse would burn into him, littering his body with visible scars where it hit.

James stared at one bitterly. _Even if it does fade, it will never leave me_. He ripped his shirt off angrily revealing his toned, but broken, body.

Everyone thought he was so perfect, always smiling, could crack a joke randomly. Girls were swooning over his supposedly perfect life, including his looks, grades, family, Quidditch status and much more.

Now James stood in front of the bathroom. _Was this what perfection looked like? Why would anyone wish it upon themselves if this was what happened. I never wished this, so why did it have to happen to me?_ He asked himself clearly confused.

His life seemed to be slowly crashing down around him. He was still dealing with his normal problems, but now people knew, his friends knew about his home life, _Lily knew_.

The only good way he knew how to escape from all of this was Quidditch. Now he didn't even have that. _I ruin anything good I ever have_.

James continued to look over himself, first at all the marks that were spread across his chest and back, then the bruises along his upper arms where his father had grabbed and held him. He could clearly see every bruise and he could feel them. Well, in truth, that was all he really knew how to feel, pain.

Next he looked at his arms. His shoulders to his wrists held self inflicted cuts. _How can I hurt myself even more?_ He did know it was wrong what he was doing to himself, the look and pleading voice from Madison clearly showed him that this wasn't the right way to go about things. But at the same time it felt right, this was what he needed. Wasn't it?

**_I don't want to be the one the battles always choose,_**

**__****_'Cause inside I realize that I'm the one confused._**

****

**__**Now he was clearly confused. He really wanted to stop what he knew he was about to do. He had tried before, but it had always come back to him. Seeming so right but yet...wrong? _Stop thinking! This is right!_ He yelled to himself

He stood there angrily looking at himself, fighting, fighting with himself to stop whatever to he might do. "I don't know what to do." He voiced aloud. "I hate that I have to think this way. Shouldn't I know what is right and wrong?" **You know you need it. Just do it, go a bit further than usual, how much more could it hurt? It is what you want, so why does it matter?** The voices were telling him this as he tried to block them off. As he was pulled to do what seemed right but yet wrong at the same time. He walked over the thrown letter, glancing over the writing, which instantly made any of his doubts and thoughts leave him. He angrily picked up the razor looking at it intently knowing what would be coming next.

Without a second thought he made up his mind completely, he knew what he was going to do. He did do it best and... _You know you want to. You know you need to_. The voice inside his head told him once again. Besides what else could he do to take away the pain? He had no other way but to add to it, so he could forget the real pain and replace it with the pain of hurting himself._ Pain cures pain_. He thought bitterly.   
  
_**Clutching my cure, I tightly lock the door**_

**_I try to catch my breath again_**

**_I hurt much more, than any time before_**

**_I have no options left again._**

James held the razor in his hand. He knew what he was going to do. He dropped the letter once again and walked into the bathroom locking the door. He sat down leaning against the counter for support. He looked down at the cuts already engraving his skin. Some were still burning his skin from not being tended to. _Oh well, he didn't care anymore_. He slid the razor over a small part of his forearm wincing as it touched older cuts. Watching as it easily parted his skin and blood started to slowly seep through the open wound.

Not satisfied because he couldn't feel it. James dug the razor back onto it pulling it upwards gasping as he moved the razor. Blood started to gush out of the deep wound. James was breathing hard, watching how his blood contrasted with the white tile.

He moved the razor angrily into his left hand, than began to slice it across his skin on his right arm. He wanted to feel the pain even throughout. He dug it in harder at an antagonizing slow rate. Feeling lightheaded with the amount of blood lost, he started to breathe faster and more unevenly. He continued to rip apart at his arms not caring that there was blood all over, He was worthless anyways, and why should he care? That's what his father told him, that's what the letter told him, that's what he now told himself. Why shouldn't he believe it? He dropped the razor no longer having the energy to use it against him. As he watched the blood drip away from him, realization hit him hardly.

"This is what he wants you to do_!" He said so himself. He doesn't want you, he would rather you did this; hurt yourself until he drives you to go to far. Then your gone...he will be happy!_ "I can't do this." James sat there breathing hardly. This was what his father wanted. He wanted him to be gone. Now he understood. _Why do you want to make it so easy for him to get what he wants? Show him that you don't need him, and don't believe what he says. Stop doing this to yourself. Stop causing more pain._ He told himself. "I have to stop." He looked down at his battered arms. Doubt started to come back. _But what if I do believe what he says. Really why shouldn't I? Even if I do stop...it's too late, nobody would care. STOP!"_ He was fighting with himself once again.

**_I don't know what's worth fighting for._**

**_Or why I have to scream_**

**_I don't know why I instigate _**

**_And say what I don't mean_**

**_I don't know how I got this way_**

**_I'll never be all right_**

**_So I'm breaking the habit_**

**_I'm breaking the habit_**

**_Tonight._**

"I can't do this anymore." James told himself and kicked the razor away from him. "I have to stop lying, I need help, I have to stop this...but how?" He instantly looked at the razor once again. "No!" He mentally scolded himself. "You have to stop." The other voice continued on inside his thoughts. **But you have tried to stop before. What makes this any different? This is what you want. Don't throw it away yet...it has helped you through your worst times. Why get rid of it? **

James reached over and picked his "cure" for everything up once again. _One time more won't hurt anything. What could it hurt? I'll stop after this. I have to stop_. James looked down at his bloody aching arms. He held the razor tightly in his palm, knowing that it would cut there and hopefully recede some of the pain he had already caused. He wasn't going to do this anymore this was it? He now knew he was wrong all along, he should have never turned to this in the first place, but yet he did.   
  
_**I'll paint it on the walls**_

**_'Cause I'm the one at fault_**

**_I'll never fight again_**

**_And this is how it ends._**

James sat there breathing slowly tightly clutching the razor, urging himself not to turn to it. He slowly used his free hand to grab the counter and pull himself up. He was weak, having lost a lot of blood. All he wanted to do was sleep but he knew he wouldn't, the voices would come back as always.

Finally, he stood. His blood was everywhere, it had never been that bad.

"I need to tell someone." He said to himself. **Who would want to help you**? It cut back at him. Looking at the mirror, his reflection across from him looked...empty. Seeing fully of what he did, he sat back down. He was back to self-hatred towards himself. Suddenly, the cold razor clutched tightly in his right hand seemed good again. Besides after doing this to himself he needed to punish himself knowing that that was what he deserved and what his father would do to him if he saw him in this state. His body ached though. "Why do I want to cause more pain, I don't get it?" His thoughts were broken when he sensed eyes upon him. He quickly looked up to see Sirius and Remus standing in the doorway. James looked down. There was no way to hide now. _This is where you can find the much-needed help that you want so much. Ask for it._ He urged himself.

"James..." Sirius broke his thoughts and he again looked up at his friends who were still standing there watching him with an emotion that he couldn't trace. Was it pity? Sorrow? Confusion? Sympathy? He didn't know. His arms were shaking; he was still tightly holding the razor in his hand. They slowly approached him not sure of what to do. They had never seen James like this before and weren't sure of how they could help him, or if he would even let them help him.

"James you're bleeding, let us help you." Remus said worriedly looking at his friend. There was a moment's pause and than to their relief James nodded.

They crouched in front of him.

James tried to hide his arms from view, but it was no use. There was blood everywhere, and it didn't take a genius to figure out what happened and James knew that.

__ _I don't know what's worth fighting for_

**_Or why I have to scream_**

**_But now I have some clarity _**

**_To show you what I mean_**

**_I don't know how I got this way _**

**_I'll never be all right_**

**_So I'm breaking the habit_**

**_I'm breaking the habit_**

**_I'm breaking the habit_**

**_Tonight…_**

-----------------

Alot to happen in the next few chapters and maybe actually...what is this romance? we will see haven't exactly figured out how I want to go into it yet.

Chapter 7 should be posted by Saturday or Sunday.

Please! R/R I promise I will love you all and any suggestions on what you would like to see or want to happen in the future please add it in your review. I want to see where you pplz want this story to go? Neways thanks again to those who did review it does help me want to write and know that pplz r actually reading this...

---B---


	7. chapter 7

Disclaimer: Same as always..I own nothing but my plot.

Hey sorry it took so long to get this chapter out. Anyways its here and it's the longest one so far 10 whole pages of typing yay! I was so proud of myself. So hope you guys all like it. I should be getting the next chapter out sometime within the next week. Aiming for before next Wednesday. So ya keep reading and R/R

Thanks,

Aries Chic

----

"_James..." Sirius broke his thoughts and he again looked up at his friends who were still standing there watching him with an emotion that he couldn't trace. Was it pity? Sorrow? Confusion? Sympathy? He didn't know. His arms were shaking; he was still tightly holding the razor in his hand. They slowly approached him not sure of what to do. They had never seen James like this before and weren't sure of how they could help him, or if he would even let them help him. "James you're bleeding, let us help you." Remus said worriedly looking at his friend. There was a moment's pause and than to their relief James nodded. They crouched in front of him. James tried to hide his arms from view, but it was no use. There was blood everywhere, and it didn't take a genius to figure out what happened and James knew that.   
  
**I don't know what's worth fighting for  
  
Or why I have to scream **_

_**But now I have some clarity **_

_**To show you what I mean **_

_**I don't know how I got this way **_

_**I'll never be all right **_

_**So I'm breaking the habit  
  
I'm breaking the habit  
  
I'm breaking the habit Tonigh**_**t...  
  
**Chapter 7  
  
Sirius watched his friend, worry etched over him. He really had no idea what to do. Blood was everywhere and Sirius tried not to panic at James's condition and make it worse. Remus was watching Sirius knowing what he was thinking about. This was really not good; they had to stop the bleeding before too much blood was lost. James was starting to drop his head, it was really too much for him, he was drowsy now and couldn't sit up any more.  
  
Sirius sat next to him, and held his head in his hands keeping him up.  
  
"James you need to talk to us." Sirius said after a moment. James looked up to him. Chocolate brown eyes meet steel blue ones. Sirius was stunned at the sight of them. He never got the chance to really look in James eyes since they were always diverting somewhere else. Now he could see pain, fear, guilt... they were not the usual cheery ones that he now knew he put up. The mask was down now and Remus and Sirius were looking at the real James.  
  
Remus grabbed a rag and soaked it in water. Then he carefully placed it on James's forehead cooling him.  
  
"Remus we have to stop the bleeding." Sirius said urgently as the blood was still coming from the cuts.  
  
Sirius grabbed another wet rag and gently placed it over the deep gash on his left arm, while Remus removed the rag from James head and started soaking up blood from the right.  
  
"We need to go to Madame Pomfrey." Remus said knowing they couldn't do this by themselves.  
  
"No...please don't go to her." James whispered pleadingly.  
  
"James, there's too much. She can heal them faster and much better." Sirius told him looking at him in the eyes, which again James diverted to one of his cuts.  
  
Remus grabbed a loose towel and wrapped it around his right arm, happy that he stopped the bleeding there. But than noticed that James fist was still clenched. He paled visibly knowing what he was holding.  
  
"James let go." He said.  
  
Sirius looked up from the cut that he was tending to.  
  
"Please open your hand." Remus said again. James shook his head and than winced from the pain shooting up his arm. He clenched harder hoping it would recede, but instead made it worse. Blood was slowly slipping through his fingers. Remus grabbed his fist trying helplessly to open James death grip.  
  
"Please, open it. You're hurting yourself." Remus said now frantic.  
  
Sirius now made a grab for his hand. Both of them slowly prying his fingers open. Finally the razor fell to the tile echoing lightly as it hit. It was silent, while everyone's attention was drawn to the little metal object. James went to grab for it, but Remus got it first. He hesitantly held it and than threw it in the sink away from them.  
  
"Promise us you will stop cutting." Sirius said trying to look in James eyes. James looked down. No one had ever told him to stop this before. How was he supposed to just stop? He couldn't, he had tried before. Didn't anyone understand?  
  
Remus saw him falter and then put his hand under his chin to raise his eyes.  
  
"Look at us." Sirius said James looked directly at Remus.  
  
"I...I." James began.  
  
"Promise you will stop, you can't do this any more." Sirius tried again.  
  
"I can't. It's not that simple, I can't just stop." He said, frustrated with them that they didn't understand.  
  
"Yes you can stop." Remus said.  
  
"No." James replied weakly. "I can't."  
  
"If you can't do it for yourself, than can you do it for us?" Sirius asked him  
  
"I'll..."  
  
"Please?" Remus said pleadingly with him.  
  
"I'll...I'll try, I can't promise that I'll stop, but I'll try." James said sincerely looking up to both of them. They sighed knowing that that was as much as they were going to be getting out of him.  
  
The cuts had stopped bleeding, and they began to clean up the floor. James watched them cleaning up his blood, his mess. **They shouldn't have to clean up after you. You did this to yourself. It's your fault. Everything is always your fault.** The voice began again. **You're worthless; they just pity you, that's why they're helping so much. Really, who would want to help you?  
**  
"I'm sorry. Please go away I'll clean up, it's my fault really, just like everything else." James began.  
  
"James what are you talking about? Yes you shouldn't be cutting, but this is not your fault."  
  
"Yes it is! Please go!" He yelled at them. They stared at him confused. The blood was cleaned up with a few spells but James still looked like hell. There were cuts everywhere. They had been so preoccupied with the bleeding ones that they didn't take notice to everything else. Scars, bruises and more cuts were littering his chest and stomach. Remus looked at his upper arm. Where he could clearly see four small bruises along with one a bit larger. They were fingerprints like this all over his arms. Remus came to the conclusion this was where he was held still. Sirius was looking at the scars that were in odd patterns everywhere.  
  
James watched them. They were looking at him. _Probably at all the bruises and_ _cuts_. He thought bitterly. _Why aren't they leaving, they should be leaving? I told them to le_ave. He was confused.  
  
"Why aren't you leaving?" He voiced aloud.  
  
Sirius broke his gaze from one long scar and back to James face. He shook his head.  
  
"Why would we leave?" He asked confused.  
  
"You're supposed to leave aren't you?" He was now talking to himself. "He said they would leave me."  
  
"James we're not leaving you." Sirius told him worried of why he would even think that.  
  
"He said you would!" James yelled back at him.  
  
"Who?" Sirius asked watching him. James looked down. They both instantly knew who it was.  
  
"James you can't listen to him. He is wrong." Remus tried.  
  
"But..." James started.  
  
"Don't ever listen to what he tells you, he just wants to hurt you." Sirius interrupted.  
  
"But he's right. Everything he says is right." James argued back. They were changing everything that was strictly told to him. It was just too confusing. Why weren't they doing what he said they would do?  
  
"No, he's not right. He made you believe these things, but you can't, they're wrong." Remus told him.  
  
James sat there taking it all in. After being told a certain thing for so long was it really your fault if you believed it. Now a new conflict was being battled in his head. Who should he believe? His father who beat these thoughts in him, or his friends who claimed they wanted to help him.  
  
"James come on, you have to believe us. We want to help you." Sirius told him. James sat there in silence. He hated all this confrontation; it was what he most feared, besides his father. Really, how was he supposed to believe them if they could just leave him any minute? _They're not going to leave you, they haven't so far. What's the risk; you know how it feels to be lonely so you won't lose anything_. Sirius and Remus stared uneasily at him, as he seemed to be thinking. They weren't sure what he might do next. If he was even willing to have help. At times it seemed he wanted it, but others he would rather be left alone.  
  
"Okay." James let out. They both stared at him.  
  
"Okay what?" Remus asked.  
  
"I want to stop." He said motioning to his arms. Smiles emitted the faces of his friends. That comforted James, knowing that stopping was the right thing do to, or so he hoped.  
  
After everything was cleaned up and James arms were taken care of, the two boys helped him stand up. He was still in bad shape though, as he would not let them bring him to the hospital wing. His wounds would have to heal on their own but he had assured both of them that that was what he wanted. He explained how he needed them there to remind him, although at that time would not talk about what they were reminding him of. Sirius and Remus decided they were not going to push him to tell everything just yet, as he was just beginning to recover from everything.  
  
James slowly walked into the dorm room and put a new shirt on covering everything. He had to admit he did feel better and didn't hurt as much now, although the fresh cuts were still burning with pain. He wouldn't tell Remus and Sirius this though because he felt that they didn't need to worry over everything.  
  
Sirius and Remus stayed in the bathroom as James was getting changed. They looked at each other and sighed.  
  
"This is going to be hard, Moony." Sirius said to Remus. Remus nodded knowing what he meant. Recovery from this was going to take awhile.  
  
"We're going to have to watch him everywhere, keep him busy, you know? Keep his mind off of everything else." Remus began.  
  
"We can't leave him alone too long or those thoughts will come back to him. He'll start again, and it could be worse next time. Did you see how much blood there was? He's so weak now; I'm scared for him. When's the last time he really has ate anything good? I'm sure he hardly ate at home. His mother won't cook and you know that." Sirius said, voicing all his concerns.  
  
James sat on the bed listening to them talk in the bathroom. He had left the door open so he could clearly hear. **It's your fault that they're so worried. Plus they're worried about you! You're worthless! Why should they even care?** _They do care_. **That's what you think now.  
**  
He held his head, trying to stop the thoughts. Sure, he had admitted that he had a problem to them, that he wanted help, that they were going to help him, but that didn't mean he was going to feel any different about himself. He hated himself for being beaten; he hated himself for having to be beat. He hated that his father was so mad that he would hurt his only son. He had nothing good to live for, so that's why he turned to the razor. Now it was being taken away from him. What did he have now? _Friends who want to help me. What I should have turned to in the first place. What about Lily? Should I tell her?_ **No, why would she care? She's beautiful, has everything to live for. Great friends, a great family, what would she want with you? You would ruin everything**! James was holding his head again. "Why won't they stop!" He asked to himself. He looked up from where he was sitting. They weren't talking anymore. Then he saw it, the letter. It was lying on the floor still in its thrown position. He scrambled to get it, hoping that they had not seen or read anything of it. He then took it and stuffed it deep into his trunk. Sitting on the floor satisfied with what he did, he crossed his arms as if to protect him.  
  
Then a thought occurred to him. He slowly walked over to his cloak that was lying on his bed. Slipping his hand into the pocket he once again felt the cool edge of the razor against his fingertips. _Stop! Put it back, I have to get rid of it._ **Keep it, no one knows its there. Just keep it there and when ever you need a little escape from reality you will know its there for you**. I_ won't use it. Just keep it there_. James let go of it and went to sit back on his bed still waiting for his friends to emerge from the bathroom.  
  
Sirius grabbed the razor out of the sink.  
  
"We have to get rid of it." He said to Remus who nodded.  
  
Sirius disposed of it into the garbage. Than they took every razor that they had for shaving and through them out as well. They would just use magic rather than use it.  
  
"Not going to take any chances." Sirius said as he dropped his into the garbage. They then walked back into their room finding James sitting on his bed. He looked exhausted.  
  
"When's the last time you've slept?" Remus asked. James looked up broken from his thoughts.  
  
"I don't know." James said honestly.  
  
"You look exhausted, you really need to sleep." Sirius put it.  
  
"I know, it's just...I can't." James said looking at the two.  
  
"Why not?" They both asked.  
  
"I have bad dreams, or I just can't let myself fall asleep." He replied looking down.  
  
"What do you dream about?" Remus asked.  
  
James thought about it for a minute. Should he really tell them? His dreams were what led him to cut and remember his worst moments being replayed over and over through his mind. The voices were what really hurt him, slowly bringing him to hate himself. His dreams, if he actually did fall asleep would usually have him in and his father in them. The beatings in his dreams were just as bad as real life. He could feel every hit, kick, or punch laid on him. He shook his head from thinking about this again.  
  
"I'd rather not talk about that right now." He said looking away from them. Remus and Sirius nodded. They were going to give him as much time as he needed.  
  
James stomach growled and both guys looked at him once again. He hadn't eaten since this morning and before that he hadn't eaten a full meal in weeks. In truth he was starving, he just didn't want anyone to know that. He figured if he didn't eat much now that when he went back home he wouldn't feel as hungry because he would be used to having that feeling.  
  
"Let's go down to the kitchens and get you something to eat." Sirius supplied.  
  
"No, its okay, I'm fine." James tried.  
  
"James, you're not fine, you're starving and you need to eat." Remus told him.  
  
"I'm not hungry though. I'll eat something in the morning." Remus and Sirius looked at each other, then each lightly grabbed James arm and pulled him up. He was much to light for a grown seventeen year old.  
  
James winced at the contact, but stood up nonetheless. He was weak at the moment and needed them for support. His right hand still had a cloth around it but had stopped bleeding. James cleaned it before they exited the dorm room and onto the stairs, not wanting anyone to know anymore about his situation.  
  
Together the three of them slowly descended the stairs to the common room before James had to sit down again on a couch.  
  
"I can't go down to the kitchens right now." He told them exhaustedly. Sirius sat down with him as Remus went to go get food for all of them.  
  
James could feel student's eyes on him as he sat there with Sirius. Those who saw his encounter with Malfoy knew somewhat of what was happening to him. Then, those who were on the Quidditch team would look at him sympathetically every once in awhile. He hated it; it wasn't supposed to be like this. No one was supposed to be looking at him with pity or anything else. They were still supposed to think that he was his perfect self, the one everyone wanted to be like. _Ya right, like that's every going to happen again_. James thought bitterly.  
  
Sirius was glaring at everyone who dared to stare at him and James. He knew what James was thinking with every stare, and he was scared what it may lead up to. James was someone who would bottle everything inside until he couldn't hold it anymore, than blow up at everyone or anything in sight. That was what happened today. He had so much going on inside of him that he was at a breaking point with Malfoy and than finally had had enough with his captain.  
  
The two boys sat there in a comfortable silence waiting for Remus as the common room slowly started to empty.  
  
Lily and Madison had walked back to their dorm after the Quidditch practice had ended. Lily was hoping she would see James in the common room but he was not there, so she and Madison slowly ascended the stairs up to their dorm.  
  
Lily plopped down on her bed tired from the long day. Madison lay down next to her. The two girls just lay there quietly for a few moments before Lily began to talk.  
  
"Madison, I'm worried about James." Madison turned on her side so she could face her friend.  
  
"I know, we all are."  
  
"I wish he would talk to me, but I know that we haven't really spoken much to each other in the past years."  
  
"I feel the same way. I wish I was closer to my brother, then maybe I could have stopped a lot from happening to him. I feel as if some of that was my fault."  
  
"It's not your fault." Lily said reassuring her.  
  
"But it could be, I mean my father took out everything on him, while I was always gone somewhere else because I didn't want to be near any of them. I thought they were all just a bit crazy. When James became friends with the rest of the Marauders, I had always thought they had stayed at my house, so I didn't want to be near them because of how they acted at school. Really, though, James was all alone at home." Madison let out.  
  
"I know that James is hurt at home now because of everything that was told today, but can you tell me what happened when you left my house the day before school?" Lily asked.  
  
Madison told her of everything that happened to both her and James but didn't include the little bit of James and what he did to himself.  
  
"I wish he would talk to someone sometimes. I think he thinks that no one understands and in truth we all probably don't but we could help him." Madison said to Lily.  
  
"You know, before lunch we were talking through notes and he told me that he wanted to talk to someone, that he would talk to me, but then everything that happened at lunch he closed up again." Lily told Madison.  
  
"I really hope he will talk to someone, anyone, before he..." She began and than looked at Lily.  
  
"Before he what?" Lily asked kind of confused.  
  
"Never mind." Madison told her quickly.  
  
The two girls lay there in silence for a few more minutes before Lily broke the silence again.  
  
"I really like him you know." She said looking at Madison. Madison smiled at her.  
  
"Why don't you tell him?"  
  
"Well we have never been really good friends and all and I don't just want to go out with him just to go out. I want to get to know him first a bit. Plus he probably doesn't even like me very much." She added looking away from Madison.  
  
Madison watched Lily not sure of what to say.  
  
"Should I tell him?" Lily asked.  
  
"I think..." Madison began.  
  
"If he doesn't like me though it will just be awkward and I don't want that. Maybe I'll just try and be his friend for now and find out who he likes." Lily interrupted a little downcast again.  
  
"What ever you think is best Lily, but you should at least show him that you care. Trust me, he needs that. For some reason he thinks he's all alone and nobody wants to be with him or he won't let them be with him. He's been taught the wrong things for way to long.  
  
"I'll talk to him tomorrow; see if he still wants to at least talk to me and all." Lily put in. Madison agreed with her. They were silent again.  
  
"Do you want to go play a game of chess in the common room?" Lily asked. Madison nodded, and than the two girls made there way to the common room.  
  
Lily looked around and saw James and Sirius sitting in their usual spot on one of the couches near the fireplace. The chessboard was set up near them. Madison saw Lily pause and than looked in her line of direction to find James and Sirius sitting there.  
  
A wave of relief swept through her to see him sitting there. That meant that at least he wasn't hurting himself right now. She pulled Lily with her over to them.  
  
"Hi James, Sirius." Madison began happily. They both looked up. James had watched Lily walk over to them with his sister but was surprised to see her there too.  
  
Madison looked over her brother. Frankly he looked like hell, to put it lightly.  
  
"Hello ladies." Sirius said, motioning them to sit on the couch across from them. James didn't say anything just watched the two of them. Lily smiled lightly at him as she sat down.  
  
"You look tired." Madison told James. He nodded, not looking up, absent- mindedly crossing his arms. His right hand was in pain and he could feel it every time he moved it. He faced it away from them so they wouldn't see the now large cut across it.  
  
Madison watched him seeing his movements and knowing what he was trying to hide although not knowing of all the new ones.  
  
"Are you okay?" Lily asked. Her voice echoed in his mind. _Was he okay? No! I wouldn't be okay without her there to help me_. Although he would never admit that out loud. _I'm Fine, why don't they understand._ The voice in his mind reassured him though that he would never be fine. The wave of self- hatred flowed over him. **You would be fine if you didn't do that!** _Shut up_!  
  
"James." Sirius broke him out of his thoughts. James head snapped up.  
  
"I think you need to tell Madison something that you promised Remus and I." Sirius put in looking directly at him. Both girls looked at Sirius instantly.  
  
"Umm..." James began._ Great. Even more confrontation_. This day was just going great for him. Sirius nudged him.  
  
James slowly grabbed the armrest for support and began to stand up with great difficulty. He was exhausted and his arms were sore. He winced at the contact with the material and his palm.  
  
They all watched him and then jumped up to help him. Once he was firmly on his feet, he and Madison made there way to a corner in the common room. Lily looked curiously at them before she began to talk to Sirius.  
  
"What was that about?" She asked him. Sirius smiled at her. It seemed she really did care for James and he was hoping that she still liked him. This was his chance to ask.  
  
"Lily can I ask you something?" Sirius asked. Lily nodded in response.  
  
James walked away from them with his sister.  
  
"What's happening?" She asked instantly.  
  
He paused. "Well you see...after everything that has happened today, I kind of did something." He said holding his arms. She waited for him to continue.  
  
-----

Leaving you off there. If any of you have any suggestions of something you would like to see happen I'll try and include it. Anyways thanks for all of you who reviewed last chapter.

Thanks to my wonderful beta reader LilyZWnam77 who made this error free for me. :)

-Hot-chik- I like your idea and I wanted to include somthing like that in one of the next few chapters or so. Not exactly sure of how many chapters it will be before there is a bit of romance and all. lol we will have to see. Neways thanks for the review.

-Aries Chic-


	8. chapter 8

Disclaimer: Same as always dont own anything but my characters and plot..which isn't that much..

"_Lily can I ask you something?" Sirius asked. Lily nodded in response._

_James walked over to them with his sister._

"_What's happening?" She asked instantly._

_He paused. "Well you see...after everything that has happened today, I kind of did something." He said holding his arms. She waited for him to continue._

_-----_

Chapter 8

"I didn't stop, I couldn't stop, and I want to stop now. I realized something earlier and than Remus and Sirius came in and they...and they helped me. I...I promised them that I would stop." He managed to get out. Madison smiled than it slowly left her face.

"You didn't tonight though, right?" He looked down again.

"James?" She asked pleadingly.

"I'm sorry." He let out. She looked up at him. He looked so truly lost it broke her heart.

She reached out for his hand, which he reluctantly let her take. She could feel the cut on it touch her skin. She turned his hand over so that the palm was facing up. She gasped at the engraved cut across his palm from clutching the razor. She lightly laced her fingers through his and held his hand.

"Is that all?" She asked in a hopeful voice.

He shook his head at her saddened face.

"Can I see?"

James looked around making sure no one was looking. There was a group of third year girls in the far corner who were engrossed in their own conversation. At the other side of the room there was a boy hurriedly rushing through his homework at one of the desks and than Sirius and Lily who were facing away from him. His eyes strayed on Lily for an extra moment that Madison took notice of.

He turned back to her and began to slowly lift up his sleeve, wincing as the fabric touched newer cuts. He grimaced at what he saw. His arm was puffy, as the new wounds hadn't even started to heal yet and were still open. Madison faintly let her finger trace over an old one that was now just a scar left on his arm. He winced lightly at the contact but didn't say anything.

Madison traced over the scar of an old cut. _How could he do this to himself? How could he cause himself so much pain?_ He pulled his sleeve down before she could take in anymore.

"Please say your stopping this." She pleaded.

"I'm going to try but.."

"But what?"

"I don't think I can."

"You can James, you don't need it. You have me, you have your friends. We are all here for you and want to help you. You just have to let us in and help."

"I know." James said looking down again.

"I'm here for you. When ever you feel like doing that find me, find anyone and talk it out instead. Please say you will do that." She tried.

He nodded.

"I need to sit down." He said again.

That was when she realized how truly tired he did look. She helped him move to a separate couch away from everyone still.

"You haven't been sleeping, have you?" She asked him.

He shook his head, than placed his head in his hands. Madison sat moved closer to him. They were quiet for a moment before James broke the silence.

"I see him, I can feel it it's like he's right there. Than I wake up and I hurt even more because it's so real." James began. Madison let him continue without interrupting.

"I don't want to sleep, because then I will have to see him again. I don't want to see him." He said not mentioning the voices that spoke to him when he tried to sleep. They made him remember everything; they caused him to hate everything including himself. They are what really led him to cut. And as much as he wanted to stop, he new deep down that he wouldn't. It was just a matter of time before it began again.

"James you need to sleep, you're exhausted." Madison said as she slowly began to lightly rub his back. James still sat their head in his hands, trying to block out the voices. Madison could feel as she rubbed his back the sorer spots. He would occasionally tense up. It was soothing to him. It felt like someone cared? **No one cares why even think it. **_She's my sister she should care. _**Where was she when everything else happened? She didn't care about you than. She left you with him. Why would she care? You're just the brother with all the problems. Why would she need you, she's better off without you. **_She's here now, doesn't that mean anything. _**It's pity, just like everyone else. Don't you see how they all look at you? They don't know how to act around you. You were better off when no one knew anything. **James couldn't argue with them anymore. Besides they were right, he was alone and that's how it should be.

Madison unaware of what was going on in James mind tried to break the silence, but found she didn't have anything to say.

_How do I get away? _He mentally asked himself. Solitude was the best answer to anything. It allowed him to do and think whatever he wanted without being disturbed. **You know how. Tell them your tired and go upstairs to sleep like a good boy. Wont they be so proud, thinking they're helping you. There normal unlike you, eventually they will fall asleep and you're own again. **James tried his best to ignore this but how could he? **You can't. **

"James." Madison broke his thoughts.

He looked up and locked eyes with her. Madison looked into them not always having the chance to. Now she could see nothing. They were the same eyes but _empty._ James looked into hers and could see worry cross hers. He knew she was trying to find some sort of emotion within him. _Well good luck trying there's nothing there. _

He turned away from her and the two sat in silence until Remus came in a few minutes later.

"_Lily can I ask you something?" Sirius asked. Lily nodded in response._

"Well, I was wondering..." Began Sirius.

Lily waited, as it seemed Sirius was trying to find the right words to say to her. After a minute of silence Lily was getting irritated.

"Spit it out will you."

"Okay, well you know how you had a crush on James for the past few years." At this she made a face. "Don't give me that face it was so obvious to everyone but him." Sirius stated.

"Okay so?" Lily said and motioned for him to go on.

"I was wondering if you still do? Since you don't really act like it much anymore." He said looking at her.

"Umm..." She began. _What do I say? What do I say? Should I tell Sirius? I mean he is one of James best friends._

"Lily?" Sirius said bringing her out of her thoughts.

"Well... you see..umm..I...I don't really know how I feel anymore."

Sirius almost looked saddened at this remark.

"Why not?"

Lily thought of how she could possibly explain herself to him without fully saying that she did indeed really like James. _Was it so bad to tell him the truth?_

"Okay. Well before I think it was more of just a school crush or something like that. Now though I'm not sure what to think or do."

Sirius appeared to be thinking. Which was a scary thought to Lily.

"Lily do you like him at all though?" He asked once again.

Lily looked down. _Should I just tell him? I can ask him other things to. Maybe he can find out if James likes you back. _Said the little voice in her head.

"Yes I do like him, I like him a lot." Lily sat trying not to look at Sirius and cool down the rising heat on her cheeks. Sirius smiled at her.

"Please don't tell anyone though, especially not James." Lily looked at him now nervous.

"I wont, but I think you should." He put in.

"I want to, I really do but I can't." She said looking helplessly at him.

"Of course you can." Sirius said raising an eyebrow for effect.

"No I can't, I've never really been much friends with him before, and haven't even talked to him much. Don't you think it would be weird if out of nowhere I just asked him out? What if he says no, I would be so embarrassed and mad at myself." Lily rambled on. Sirius let out a soft chuckle.

"You worry to much you know that." He added. She let out an exasperated sigh.

"Well I've never done anything like asking a person out before. I don't know what to do? What if he doesn't want to jump into a relationship right away." She was starting to get anxious about everything.

"Lily calm down. First if you don't want to just ask him out, than why don't you become friends with him? Someone he can trust and wants to talk to. Than maybe move onto something more." He told her.

"That's actually a good idea, for once." She smiled.

"Hey! I do have more than one good idea occasionally you know." He replied back. There was a moment of silence before Lily voiced the question that had been running through her head all day.

"Sirius, what's up with James anyway? He seems more distant this year don't you think? I mean I know about his father now and I guess if I was in his position I would be acting like him to, but there seems to be something more that you all seem to know about. I want to be able to help him with what ever it is but I don't even know what the problem is." She let out frustrated that she couldn't help him.

"It's good to know that you care about him, but this is something James needs to tell you about. Trust me at the moment he has a lot of things to work out and he's just starting to sort them out the right way now." Sirius told her.

"Well I guess I will have to just wait until he wants to tell me, if he ever does."

"Don't worry, he will come around and maybe even talk to you. You know you two haven't exactly had the best or closest relationship before so give him some time."

Lily turned her head to the portrait hole hen she heard it opening. In stepped Remus with a plate full of snacks and another of the dinner that was served that night. Sirius got up and Lily decided to go with him. The three of them now walked over to where Madison and James were sitting. Remus handed the plate of food over to James who took it slowly, and than placed the other one on the table for every one else to eat.

Lily watched as everyone's eyes seemed to direct to James the minute he had placed the plate of food on his lap. He sat there for a minute staring at the chicken, mashed potatoes and salad laid out perfectly on his plate.

He felt numbness flow through his body. He couldn't eat this, he just couldn't. The food seemed as if it was taunting him, knowing that he couldn't eat it and enjoy it at the same time. Slowly his mind settled back to the middle of the summer.

_He was seated at a long fine table right next to his father. At the moment his father was talking to someone high up in the ministry. He wasn't paying attention when his father had introduced him. It didn't matter anyway he was only here to make an appearance to the magical society. While his father just showed how much power he had over him, to make him come where ever and do what ever he wanted._

_James looked around him at the others sitting at the table. Everyone seemed happy that it almost seemed fake to him._ **Well you don't belong here anyway.**

_He took notice to giggling across the table and looked up to see three girls probably around his age staring back at him. He glared at the three girls. He didn't want to be mean but just had to get out of there. His fathers voice than came ringing into his ears. He was still talking to the chubby man next to him._

_"I say if you want to straighten out the boy, you have to show them whose boss. You know a little beating here and there and they should be good. Unless of course you have a bad one." He said this and looked at James disgustingly._

_The man sitting next to his father looked James up and down._

_"I see you have done a fine job with your son here than?" He asked._

_"Yes, James here knows his rightful place in his house, don't you?"_

_James looked up to see his father's eyes piercing into him._

_"Yes." He muttered._

_"Well I see you have raised him well than. I only hope my son Billy here will turn out just like him." He said motioning to his son. A scrawny looking boy sat next to him looking at James with pity and fear for himself._

_"Oh don't wish such a thing. No one would want a son like James, absolutely horrible. I feel like I have to teach him everything and than he has to get so many punishments because he messes everything up. It's a pity actually really all he does is take up space." The man laughed with his father at this. James turned his head away from them and looked down at his plate of food._

_James was about to take a bite out of his chicken when his plate got snatched out from underneath him. He looked up to see his father smiling cruelly at him. James raised an eyebrow. **Was this a joke? **He asked himself._

_"I said you are a waste a space."_

_"Okay?" James said and leaned his back against his chair._

_"Honestly do I have to explain everything to you?" His father asked him. He gave a strange look to him._

_"Umm..no?"_

_"See I told you, pathetic really, anyways I'm giving your plate of food over to Bobby." His father began interrupted by the man saying "Billy." "What ever. Well I'm giving it to Bill here because unlike you he doesn't appear worthless yet and isn't big enough to fill space like you." He pointed out handing the plate to Billy who looked at James sadly. James closed his eyes._

_"Oh and don't be expecting food when you get home either. You don't matter so it really doesn't matter if you starve." His father and the other man had a good laugh over this and James cringed at both of their yellowing teeth. The rest of the night he sat in silence._

_The two flowed home and Jams dreaded what was going to be coming next._

_Smack!_

_He closed his eyes at the impact not even touching his stinging cheek. He opened them to see his father's outraged face staring back at him._

_"What did you think you were doing? You were only there to make an appearance because at the last one people asked about you, although I don't know why. You think you can just eat what ever you want?!"_

_There was a silence where James knew if he answered he would regret it and if he didn't he would regret it. It was a lose-lose situation here so he decided he might as well voice his opinion._

_"Well as it was a dinner party, I thought no one would mine if I ate some dinner, its not like I get dinner here." James stated as he felt another hit come across him._

_"I didn't say you could talk back to me." James inwardly rolled his eyes._

_"Well than DAD what can I eat?"_

_"Nothing in this house, you don't deserve to have food wasted on you as I said you are...."_

_"Worthless, I know, I know." James interrupted and got shoved into the wall for this._

_"At least you're starting to know your place in this house." He said smugly._

_James was about to walk away when he felt a punch go into his back. He stiffened from the pain of the impact to his other bruises._

_"I didn't say I was finished with you yet JAMES!"_

_"Well I'm finished with you!" James yelled back trying to get up the stairs and away from him. He had almost made it to his room when he felt an intense pain start to dig into his back. He instantly fell to the floor. A stinging pain seared through him. This wasn't the first time he was hit with the Crucio curse. He was shaking from the pain but wouldn't scream out and give his father the satisfaction of actually hurting him. He lay there breathing in deeply as the curse was lifted._

_"Get up!" Thomas yelled and kicked him in the back. James clenched his teeth so he wouldn't yell out._

_"James get up!"_

_"James!"_

_James?_

"James?" Sirius asked worriedly looking at his friend.

Startled James looked up to see Sirius, Remus, Madison and Lily all looking back at him curiously.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked.

James sat there gathering his thoughts and rubbing his back. He could feel the pain back there. That memory brought too much back to him. The food was still on his lap. He couldn't eat this. _I can't eat this, I'm worthless, empty space, wasting food_. His father's words rang through his mind. He will hurt me if I eat this. With that thought he pushed the plate off of his lap and watched it hit the wood floor. Food splattered everywhere. He jumped up everyone was still looking at him. Why do they always have to look at me!

"Stop!" He yelled out to them.

"James sit down." Sirius said calmly reaching out to him to help him sit.

James snatched his hand away.

"I don't want to sit, I don't want to eat, I can't eat this."

"James you really need to eat something." Remus encouraged.

"No! You don't understand I don't need to eat. Stop trying to understand me, you never will." He yelled back. He knew he was starting to draw attention to himself and that the others in the common room were now curiously looking at him. **Don't draw attention to yourself; we wouldn't want that now would we? **_I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter if everyone knows; they won't care about me so why should I care about them?_

"James we are just trying to help you." Madison said trying to lock eyes with him but to no avail.

James sat back down again, now clearly exhausted from his day.

"I know it's just I don't want to get hurt by him anymore and even if you are helping it's just going to make it even worse. Just let me handle it on my own." He told them.

"We are going to help you whether you like it or not. We know it is going to be hard but we want to help you and be there for you. You just have to understand that we are here for you and not in a bad way like you may think. I promise I wont leave you." Sirius told him and sat down next to him enveloping him in a big hug.

James closed his eyes as he felt his friends arms come around him it was funny how one simple hug could make him feel as if he actually mattered to at least someone.

When the two broke apart the boys departed to their dorm as Lily and Madison did theirs.

The girls both went up to bed not talking about what had happened. Madison fell asleep quickly, today had taken a toll on her and she could only imagine how James might feel at this moment.

Lily lay in her bed for quite some time brooding over everything and contemplating what she should do. She was still confused about everything that was happening to James, as she was not completely filled in about all the problems he was facing at the moment. Right before she fell asleep she came to the conclusion that she was not going to rush James into everything and just being friends with him would be fine right now although her heart ached otherwise.

In the other dorm James lay in his bed going over his day. It had really been a whirlwind of emotions for him. He had never had so many secrets about his life revealed in one day and it scared him of what the next day could bring. _Would Lily find out about his cutting? What would she think about him than? Did she even like him at all because it didn't seem like it at times, but than why was she there?_

That night James actually slept through most of it for the first time in along time. He still had a fitful rest though. He still had the same reoccurring nightmares that never seemed to leave him, but knowing that his friends know knew about most things and wanted to help him eased his mind in away. So he slept trying to forget about the events of the day and hoping that the next one would be better.

Sirius and Remus didn't sleep much trying to keep watch over James and making sure he actually slept a whole night for a change and didn't wake up to hurt himself more. They both knew they would be tired in the morning but somehow that seemed all right just to know that their friend might actually be alright tomorrow.

-----

**A/N: I am soo sooo sooo sorry it took me this long to get this chapter out. I've been having alot of problems with my computer and than finally when it does work again and I go to log in it says error. Has that happened to anyone else? So than finally when I get on it has trouble uploading. I was going to cry when finally it appeared and I jumped for joy.lol well no there was no jumping but I was pretty happy to finally get this up here. **

**I'm going to try and get the next chapter out as soon as I can and thanks to Black's Gurl and FlamingArrow a.k.a GinnyWeasley for reviewing chapter 7. Those reviews helped me get this chapter out.**

This chapter seemed a little more on the boring side to me, but everything said had to be said and it was more of a filler chapter for the ones to come. I've planned out the rest of this story and it should still be quite long. I promise there will be way more angst and even some romance to come soon!

Sorry if there was to many errors my beta isn't home at the moment so it was only edited by me but oh well.

Neways R/R please.

-B-


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